Judge — February 5, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HEN I fall down a flight of stairs, or through a trapdoor, , and break a backbone or a limb, there always comes , who says, “Cheer up! It might be worse! And it will do no good to curse.”’ I listen to his dulcet tones, as I sort out my broken bones, and murmur softly, “Sunny Jim, I'd like to rend you limb from limb; I might forget my mortal ache, if I could burn you at the stake or poach or fry you in a pan, you dear, delightful, smiling man!” When I am feeling gay and fine, and naught of woe or pain is mine, and life seems like a morning hymn, I always welcome Sunny Jim. I say, “You're speaking sooth, meseems,” when he says woes are idle dreams; and when he says a cheerful face will drive all anguish from the place, I say, ‘ Your words are good as gold; they all are pearls of price untold.”” We all agree with Sunny Jim, when feeling in the proper trim; when all our schemes are panning out, we say he is a fine old scout; when we have roubles laid away, and kopecks coming every day, when we have coal enough to last until the winter storms are past, when we have spuds and pork to fry, and our old goose is hanging high—oh, then the words of Suany Jim call forth our eulogies for him. But yesterday I took my car, and headed for a burg afar. The roads were good, the weather fine, and speedy was that car of mine; and all the world seemed sweet to me, until I rana tree. The tree refused to budge a yard, and so the car was bunged up hard. Then Sunny Jim came up the road, and laughter from his larynx flowed. He found me, seated there, a wreck; one wheel was wrapped around my neck, and portions of the steering gear were pushed into my starboard ear. “Cheer up!” hecried; ‘it might be worse yet ready for a hearse! Dismiss all tragic doubt and smile and sing and wag your cars. Make up your mind you have no ache, that all your anguish is a fake, just keep your festive smile on straight, and be a sunbeam while you wait!” And I remarked, with eager vim, “If I could boil you, Sunny Jim, if your remains my eyes might see, a-dangling from the gallows tree, I’d laugh to scorn the cross-cut pain that now is driving me insane!” Handicapped Budding young orator—I wish there was somewhere in the house I could deliver my speech. Wife—No, my dear; you know very well that the last three cooks have left because they thought I was harboring a lunatic. Reversed English ‘OU WILL have no trouble believing in the thing you sell, if you will sell the thing you believe in. We ought not to marry a woman until we are sure we love her, but we can never be sure we love her until we marry her. Keep your mind on your business, not your business on your mind. The world owes every man a living, but the way many a man makes a living is by owing the world. A prophet is not without honor, but an honor is often without —Douglas Malloch. If the Dead Should Rise It was the gallant custom of Frederick the Great, when he met a woman walking on the street, to shake his stick at her and remind her that a woman’s place was home. If his ghost should take to the streets of Berlin in the year 1916 in the wee small hours when ghosts love to wander, he would be confronted by a woman night watchman, neatly uniformed and armed with a club which she would probably shake at the shade of the famous anti-feminist, and invite him to follow his own previous advice to women. When Frederick the Great set the ball rolling that landed Europe in the trenches, the exodus of women from the home, as a by-product of Prussian militarism, was not included in his calculations. profit. Behind the Scenes Juliet—Jackson says he is drawing full houses. Romeo—Only on his own deal. comicbooks.com