Judge — January 15, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

le and a top. g has a salesman new, who draws far more than others do; he’s said to be the smoothest guy that ever made his victims buy. Old Johnsing thought his trade was punk; he wasn’t handing out the junk as fast as he would see it go; “I guess,” he said, “I’m old and slow; I'll hire a salesman up to date, and he will put the business straight.” So he engaged this flossy lad, and paid him many a shining scad And, as I said, I sought the store, to buy one top and maybe more. When I had bought the things I wished, and from my jeans the coin had fished, the salesman said, ‘‘ Now, Mr. Wax, just let me show our carpet tack: With bow and beck and wreathed smile he led me then across the aisle, and sold me forty-seven packs of copper- headed carpet tacks, for which I had no earthly use; and when I struggled to break loose, the salesman said, “One moment, please; just let me show our whiffletrees.” He sold me seventeen of these; what use have I for whifiletrees? I bought them hoping he would quit, let me go home and throw a fit. But, no; he said, “Now, Mr. Wax, our rolling-pins are cracker- jacks. They are the finest in the realm; they’re made of solid slip- pery elm. Your wife will fairly shriek with glee if you should take her two or three. The Christmas time will soon be here, the time of mirth and joy and cheer; then every gentle Christian pants to please his cousins and his aunts, and he may fill their lives with grins, by sending them some rolling-pins. So buy a dozen while you're here; you'll find them handy through the year.” He led me here and there and yon, and sold me jug and demijohn, and cans of fruit, and sacks of meal, and things of brass and things of steel, and turnip seed and fountain pens, and heating stoves and setting hens. And when I tottered from the store, I said, “I'll go there never more. I'll seek a merchant who's content to sell a worn and weary gent the things he asks for and desires, and who to nothing more aspires. I don’t admire that salesmancraft which loads a patron, fore and aft, with tons of junk he doesn’t need, with birds’ nest soup and turnip seed, which drives him groaning from the store, and vowing he'll come back no more.”” Equality “No such thing as stuck-uppishness about her,” says the loyal servitor, defending his mistress against the criticisms of the acquaint- ance who is inveighing against class discrimination and the attitude of the wealthy toward the working element.” “Well, but don’t she order you around?” “Sure she does. But, Lord! She bawls me out just the same as what she does her husband. She don’t make no difference between me an’ him, even.” Settled Facts E YOU acquainted with any of the coterie of Settled Facts? Settled Facts are a tyrannical sort, who prowl about crushing e and spontaneity. They have great faith in themselves and no patience with anything else. They believe that Truth has attained her maximum growth, and that she is ready to be ossified. The coterie of Settled Facts is in great favor with irascible old codgers, who are immensely pleased with their own success in the world. Bigots and prim old maids likewise adore them. Even you are liable to take your cherished maxims and sell them into slavery of Settled Facts. All vital facts are subject to change without notice. They are constantly enlarging themselves, or adapting their shapes and their emphasis to the needs of new conditions. Vital facts are pliable and not unwisely proud. When a thinker escapes from the bondage of conformity, they flock to him and beg to be reshaped and re- vitalized. They love youth and dynamic living. But Settled Facts insist that there is nothing new under the sun. They glory in the lessons of the past and suspect the present of being on the road to the bow-wows. They like to seize upon youth and shape it to the needs of the s when they, themselves, had itality and animation. If you are faced toward the future, you had better beware of the tyranny of Settled Facts. -H.W. Dee. Different “We lent England and France half a billion dollars and never felt it,” proudly declares the man with the wilting collar. “Could you stake me to a dollar till tomorrow, Bill?” asks his acquaintance. “Me? Great Scott! If I had a dollar more than I need I'd have it framed and hang it up where I could look at it and see what money looks like.” More So “She always dresses like a fashion plat we say, referring to the lady who, though stout, is nevertheless charming. “Do you think so?” murmurs her bosom friend, sweetly. ‘* Now, I should say she was more like a fashion platter.” A SPECIAL CUP Designed for Mr. James Truthful, of the Sniping Rock Golf Club, who has never claimed to have done the course under 125. comicbooks.com