Judge, 1915-12-18 · page 10 of 28
Judge — December 18, 1915 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This story satirizes social pretension and comeuppance through a romantic triangle at a seaside resort ("Bayport colony"). Miss Vivian is portrayed as an exceptionally refined young woman who never uses slang. Mr. Woglom—nicknamed "the Pill"—is an obnoxious, wealthy bore whom society tolerates but dislikes. When Woglom attempts an uninvited kiss at a beach picnic, Miss Vivian cleverly orchestrates his arrest by obtaining a "five-dollar fine" from Justice Finley for possessing an undersized lobster—a legal violation she subtly manipulates Woglom into committing through her charm and wit. The humor lies in the protagonist's refined revenge: she uses the law and social hierarchy against a man society already despises, punishing his crude behavior without ever descending to direct confrontation or "slang." The satire mocks both Gilded Age propriety and the entitled behavior of wealthy men like Woglom.
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HER SENTIMENTS, TOO HEY said it of Miss Vivian—some said in acidity, and some in awe—that never in stress or storm, or joy or woe, or triumph or disaster, did she descend to the vice of slang. And she was a rippin’ good sport, at that! Miss Vivian was a Peach. When the movie men have an especially fine film, they advertise it as full of life and human interest. Miss Vivian was ad- vertised by her loving friends, and justly. She had all the good qualities of the film, and she didn’t tire the eyes. Mr. Woglom was a Pill; gold coated, but a: Pill. He was little, but that didn’t seem to help much. The worst of it was that society, which had to swallow him, insisted on gag- ging and sputtering. Everybody tried to administer him to some- body else. When he joined the Bayport colony, the crowd wished him on Miss Vivian. They said she was the only true daughter of Christian martyrs who could stand Woglom for an afternoon without profanity. They had a beach picnic, and Woglom was at his worst. He was stupid; so he told long stories. He was clumsy, so he played cut-up. He was niggardly, so he welched on the expenses. He was greedy, so he gobbled too much luncheon. He was no mathematician, so he overplayed the punch. Then he grew sentimental, and semi- publicly tried to kiss Miss Vivian. It was a mistake. She was a nice girl, and Old Sol was the only male to whom she submitted her cheek; outside the privileged circle of father, brothers, and certi- fied first cousins. She tried to shake Woglom, but he stuck to her like a burr. Miss Vivian kept her poise, but her eye glinted. Also it rested on old Jim Finley, trudging along the beach. She beckoned, and old Jim approached. Everybody but Miss Vivian called him the Pooh Pah of Bayport; she called him Mr. Finley. He appreciated the distinction, and thought her the Finest Thing Ever. Miss Vivian went to meet old Jim; the Pill pursued. Miss Vivian addressed the consolidated official class and bureaucracy of Bayport. “Mr. Finley, you’re a justice of the peace, aren’t you? Oh, yes! Then this is to pay my fine.” And, opening her pocketbook, she handed him a perfectly good five-dollar bill. Old Jim stared at the greenback; at Miss Vivian; at Woglom, ogling odiously and trying to snuggle up to her; at the grinning and wondering gallery. SOUVENIR: POST CARD MERRY CHRISTMAS. From Lerrgee hf Bp Caacrae ~ hel eke FATHER'S MERRY CHRISTMAS What he gives and—what he gets. ee Bes NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS THE “Why—why, I’m a jestice, all right,” he admitted. “But the only five-dollar fine I knows of is for hevin’ in possession one short lobster. Miss Vivian's smile had the ravishing charm of a June sunrise, “Mind you, Mr. Finley, you said it—I didn’t!” she cried, and clapped her hands ecstatically. ‘But, privately, on the score of beautiful expressiveness, I almost wish I had’ Then she gave the Pill a very cold shoulder, and marched off. As the low-brows phrase it, Woglom tumbled, presently; but Mr. Finley tumbled first. So when Woglom said the sort of thing that helped to make him the Pill he was, and would have lurched in renewed pursuit of Miss Vivian, a long arm stretched out. It was the arm of the law and of Constable Finley. And the hand thereof took Woglom by the collar. “Statoot says all shorts shall be seized and confiscated,” quoth old Jim grimly. ‘Young man, you come with me!” And Woglom went. —W. T. Nichols. Charlie Rixey's Girl H, Charlie Rixey’s girl is like the swan for grace; She has the nicest smile that e’er grew on a face: Her feet are very dainty, eke her silken hose: Her dewy lips are rare, the dusk is in her hair; Her cheeks are softly tinted like the blushing rose! T held her hand last night; she squeez’d mine back again! We humm’d a little love-song with a sweet refrain: The moon came up, and then, with heart and brain awhirl— She let me kiss her lips—did Charley Rixey’s girl. Now where was Charlie Rixey, poor deluded wight? And was his girl exactly treating him aright? —And do you think she’s any sort of girl?—Why sure! Wake up, good folks, and observe this signature: —Charlie Risey. If you stay up nights, you can’t keep up daytimes.