Judge, 1915-12-04 · page 14 of 28
Judge — December 4, 1915 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a satirical parody of the classic Christmas poem, reimagining it for a wealthy but dysfunctional modern family. The illustration shows a sickbed scene—likely depicting the father ill or hungover—while the narrative describes the family's jaded materialism. The satire targets upper-class indulgence: they pay "nine thousand a year" in rent yet complain about steam pipes; family members are either drunk ("seven stingers"), obsessing over weight loss ("banted to ninety-six pounds"), or out carousing at fashionable venues (the Castles' dance hall, Beaux Arts). Despite their wealth, nobody wants to celebrate Christmas—they've agreed to "cut Christmas out altogether"—yet they immediately contradict themselves, with shopping at Tiffany's and the daughter asserting she'll buy whatever she wants. The joke is that modern wealthy society has lost the spirit of Christmas to shallow consumerism and self-indulgence.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JSWES MOITEOKERY Taagyy THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO DATE By JAMES il Malt the night before Christmas and all through the flat The steam pipes were banging-bing-bung-tatatat! h And why should they have such a bum engineer? * They were forking out rent at nine thousand a yegr! “O well,” muttered Pa, as he covered his head, “Cheer up and stop kicking—we'll all soon be dead!” And Ma in her room down the hall to the right Gave up in disgust and just turned on the light; ‘The clatter of steam pipes had no such effect On William, just entering v« He swayed in the hallway and solemnly blinked— MONTGOMERY th gunsh at Fort Totten ‘re stranshly dishtinet!™ Het doubled himself like an inverted “U™. His watch as it dangled showed quarter pest two; He'd get to his room unobserved, with some luck; He took off his pumps and he did the “lame duck"; His sister Jill's latch-key was stuck in the door— This was much later on—about quarter to four— She'd had seven “stingers” —O, that wasn’t much! Danced at the Castles’, the Beaux Arts and such; a course the kid Bertram, aged thirteen or so, ¢ to his downy a good while ago; He elder sis Polly had really stayed in, FLAGG But just on account of her craze to get thin. She had banted to ninety-six pounds, or about, And she found she was really too weak to go out! And this the whole family’s sum total brings— Unless you count butlers and housemaids and things— And each one had said as December drew near: “We'll cut Christmas out altogether this year!” “I buy what I want and Dad settles the bill, So nix on that bunk about Christmas!” said Jill; Although Ma agreed, it was getting played out, Each day in her car she would ramble about; She'd wandered through Tiffany's gem-studded aisles,