Judge — October 2, 1915 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SAFEGUARDING 4 IM WAX was bound to guard his health, which is a better thing than wealth. He read up all the magazines which tell and illustrate the means, by which to keep from getting sick, and keep the system sound and slick. While others ate their sirloin steaks, he filled himself with oatmeal cakes, which taste like slabs of willow wood; “I know,” he said, “they don’t taste good; they're flavored like excelsior— but taste’s not what I eat them for. They build up bone and strengthen thew, and make the blood as good as new. Those chaps who eat their juicy steaks will soon be filled with beastly aches; to appetite they are the s nd they'll soon fill untime 7 While others ate their rich mince pies, old Jimmy Wax, the doubly wise, ate turnips raw, fresh from the field, and as he pushed them in he spieled: “I know these wholesome turnips taste like rubber shoes, or rancid paste; they were designed for cows and swine, but they will brace this frame of mine. Old Dr. Faker, in his book, says every man, by hook or crook, should cat nine turnips every day, and they will drive his ills away. My neighbors fill themselves with pies until the juice drips from their eyes, but i e full of germs, I know, and germs will ull kinds of woe.. When they are dead I'll still be here, infesting this old hemisphere, all hale and sound in wind and limb, and full of y and vim.” others drink hot coffee strong, to set rts and livers wrong, old Jimmy’s inner filled with water which had dis- tilled. he said, “that water’s punk —I ought to know, the lot I've drunk; it’s good to irrigate the wheat, and excellent to wash the feet, but as a beverage, I wist, it gives me pink pains in my wrist. And yet I gladly pour it down, for it’s the only dope in town that keeps the liver on the track and strength- ens shoulderblades and back.” I saw old Jimmy yestermorn, and he was dismal and forlorn. “You know,” he said, “how I have starved, while you the duck and turkey carved; how I have filled my weary maw with horse feed, turnips, hay and straw. And while you're sprightly, strong and hale. I've every ailment that can ail. If ever I get over this, I'll know the gourmand’s daily bliss: [ll fill this tortured form of mine with every- thing from tripe to wine.” Walter Was Afraid Walter had received a birthday gift a locomotive, the motive power of which was —— electricity from a storage battery. Delighted with the toy, he would have spent most of his spare moments in its enjoyment but for constant warnings that he must be careful or the batteries would run out. His Aunt Letitia was the most persistent in these admonitions and one rainy afternoon he became discouraged anc went up stairs to a closet in search of another toy. Aunt Letitia followed and, during the quest, kept up an uninterrupted flow of good advice to little boys. In the midst of it Walter abandoned his hunt and stoically marched down stairs. His mother inquired if he had found the toy. “Oh, no,” he replied with an audible sigh. “I had to give it up, ‘cause I was ‘fraid Aunt Letitia’s batteries would run out!” The Time to Marry , the maid of color, had told the mistress she was to be married. “Well, Hepsy,” said the mistress, “I’m sorry to lose you, but I suppose it is all for the best. How long have you known the man?” “About two weeks, ma’m.” fy! No longer than that? to wait and get to know him better?” ‘o, ma’m,” exclaimed Hep better I sho’ never would marry him.” Don’t you think you ought “Ef I knowed him any Real Trouble Jones (peering out of the window at drizzle falling on the links) —What made old Brassey growl so, when Hopper dragged him home? Didn’t know he minded a Scotch mist so much. Smith (sitting by the grill-room fire\—Huh! ’Twasn’t the Scotch mist; it was the missed Scotch. The best point in the average argument is the period. HOW ETHEL’S FATHER INTERCEPTED THE EXPECTED MESSAGE FROM JACK comicbooks.com