Judge — September 18, 1915 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Visitor—Gracious! Eut your stairs are steep! Lady—It's the thick carpet on them, my dear. You Never, Never Can Tell ‘OW these are the honest-to-goodness ruminations of the well-meaning young man who has had himself a time this Summer with Gertrude and Maudand Lillian: OOD-BYE! Girls, it has been glorious. You have been charm- ing. I have row- ed you on silver lakes beneath the moon’s pale light. I. have danced with you till dawn. I have strolled with you o'er the lea. Ihave looked into your lucent eyes,and admired you—and spent money like a couple of millionaires. You are welcome. Entirely welcome! But I have now to at- tend strictly to Business. N. B. Business. Farewell, the sylph-like waist. Au revoir, the fluffy ruffles, the languishing look, the lingering hand-pressure, the gentle sigh, the parting at the gate, and all the giddy Rapture! Good-by “This is the time of y and this is the year—when I go forth into the market place, and Make Good. Gather Shekels. Reap Simoleons. Corral Cash. Purloin a Wad.- Grasp Bonanzas. Also make a deep dent in the world’s Gold Supply, and lay up for myself Treasures in the People’s Savings Bank! It makes the steps so hig’ “Bank. 1 said it! I am going to Save Money. Yes. 1 need it. Don’t expect: me to take anybody to shows. Do not antici pate my presence at the Opera, unless 1 am paid to go. I have quit smoking. 1 walk to save car fares. I have laid aside my pink, white and blue silken socks. I shall go Out no more. Nothing, Nothing, Nothing Doing in the money-spending line. Farewell, girls—a long Farewell!” What happens? Matrimony happens. Our young Friend marries a very wealthy and attractive Widow? No. A raving, tearing Beauty, who simply sweeps him off his feet? Well, no. Does he capitulate to a girl pos Magnetism, Charm, and Personality Not exactly. d Winsome girl, of wonderfully essed of Fellow-Citizens, he marrics himself to a little article of femininity with a simple mouth, drab hair, an over-hang jaw, a rat nese, a figure like a porous plaster, and a disposition that has really annoyed her Family for twenty-seve rs. She has a speaking Voice which is a cross between a buzz-saw and a Siren Whistle. $ much Money as a Refugee. “He Loved her, of cours Oh, I don’t know! The Heaving Chest HILES in a jitney show I sit And watch the fleeting drayma flit, ith wonderment Tam possessed To note the leading lady's chest Whatever cards the fates may deal— It may be woe, or may be weal With passionate, dramatic zest, The leading lady heaves her chest If it should threaten in the plot That she must shoot, or else be shot, With one hand clutching at her breast The leading lady heaves her chest Or should the rent collector call And grimly camp within the hall, Milady shows that she's distressed By labored heavings of the chest. Or yet again, if it shoukl chance The hero falls and tears his pants, Ere starting on a needle quest The lady halts and heaves her chest And when her troubles all are past— When true love c own at last— She snuggles to her lover's vest And pelts him with a heaving chest L'Envoi I love the histrionic art, With jits ungrudgingly I part; But, prince, I'm yearning for a rest tant heaving of the chest! <W. Kee slareell From ¢ Defining It “What is a reminiscence. ? “Tiresome, usually, my son!” comicbooks.com