Judge — August 28, 1915 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MY REAL NAME 15 \ SMITH 1AM NOT a counT. 1AM a SHOE SALESMAN ° SALARY 4iB% PER Love You witt You SUMMER MAN MY REAL NAME 1s mary ' JONES Ss HOWDOWN From a Sinner’s Diary ELLO! How’s your nimble this morn- ing? Wha'dye s'pose I did to-day besides step on a johnnycake crust and cut my foot half off? Gave a woman her first olive! She began chewing it with her back teeth and kept rolling it forward till she was chewing with her front ones. Presently it dropped in her hand, and she said soberly, ‘‘Is that the way they taste?’’ I saw a fellow on the train the other day who said he felt as if he’d known me in some other life. ‘You won't in any of the next ones if I can help it!" I thought. I'm starving; but I can hear little sister galloping around downstairs, frying hen, inflating dumplings and decorating short- cake. I feel quite peaceable when I’m being waited on this way. An old friend, you know, is like a book that you've read over and over and know by heart and want permanently on your shelf. But sometimes a new one’s title and introduction are so fasci- nating you can’t help but take after ‘em. I know a woman who, if you tell her you want to go any place, can fairly make you feel as if she had the tickets. I know a boy who has his picture taken after every leap year he lives through. I know a boy who stutters. He was out hunting and said excitedly, ‘‘See that sq—sq—gone in a hole!’’ You want to dodge all comfortable things. It leads to the way I’m doing. I know a woman who keeps me reach- ing after things that I don’t seem geared right to lay hands on till my waist is, figuratively, pulled out of my skirt from morning till night. I’m fixing a woman up a Christmas present in a dynamite box. You know they're ‘‘High Explosives — With Care’’ pasted the whole length of ‘em. The same as —Lynette Freemire. Simmerings Some writers get ample returns, but some forget to inclose the stamped envelope. fe) Some say that longevity is on the in- crease, but few men live to celebrate their golden divorce. An unlearned man may make his mark, but rarely does he dictate his signature. Queer Little Willie has a spasm— What can be the cause of it? Poker chip slipped down his chasm— Willie has a ‘‘counter’’ fit! Rest-Cured 66ATOW, let me see,’’ remarked Mn, Skimpson, at the conclusion Of the midday repast at Skimpson Hollow Fara, beaming benignantly upon her boardfel of summer guests, as she took stock of the rm. mains. ‘‘For supper we'll have the rest of that codfish, warmed over with the ota. toes, the rest of that macaroni, the rest of that canned corn, stewed with the rest of that’*—— “Excuse me, Mrs. Skimpson, one mig. ute,’’ broke in Mr. Frankleigh, the newest arrival. ‘*I came here for my vacation ig search of quiet and rest, I'll admit, ang while I can't complain as to the former, the prospects for the evening meal sound altogether too restful for my taste. T think I'll be taking the milk train back to the city in the morning."’ . Appropriate Action If I should see a dinosaur, I'll tell you wha I'd do: The placid atmosphere I'd rip and quickly dart therethrough. You see, the dinosaur’s extinct, and sol’ know ‘twas true, If I beheld him, ‘twas because extinct I had grown, too! A Boy’s Opinion When there is company at our house and T have to wait for the second table, I wish they wouldn’t be so thundering slow about. getting through. A boy that is starving to death don’t give a durn for elevating con versation. Try This Fold a dollar bill and place it in your vest pocket. As you take it out you will find it in creases. Sister Sue—Well, did you succeed in teaching that blond girl to swim ? Brother Tom—No. I'd hardly begun when she saw her fiance on the float, and swam out to him.