Judge — August 14, 1915 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

His Criticism “J HAVE called to make what I feel is a just complaint,”* Stated old P. G. Pester, upon entering the sanctum of the able ej. tor of the Weekly Vidette and Faithful Guardian of the Home and Fire. side. **While your Answers to Correspondents column is filled with interesting items and helpful hints, I have not yet found therein, just the information I particularly need. “I have read with pleasure the formula for making White House whitewash, how to prevent a rubber plant from i the latest theory of how few is a few, and how to concoct invisible ink. Ihave also observed from time to time data on the anciext Druids, hints on kumquat culture, advice on the raising of wens, and direction for the care of triplets and the taming of madstones, While all this is doubtless valuable to persons in certain predica. ments, it does not seem to apply to my case. I needa Temedy for The Cultured Cow mildew on a son-in-law, which gives him a dusty appearance and causes him to lop around as if blighted, but has not as yet killed him. Why, let me tell you what's a fact: That fellow HE COW is praised by many parties, long-distance dairymen painted his kitchen year before last, and the ladder he used has been and smarties, who purple wear and silk. They've studied leaning up against it ever since!" —Tom P. Morgan, cows in moving pictures; on this they base their screeds and lec- . tures—they never had to milk. I'm tired of bulletins which tell Seeking an Outlet for Capital us how cows will make our neighbors jealous, they'll make us rich Investor—What I want is some stock that will be a good buy, so quick; I look on cows as total-lossy, and every time I see a Broker's clerk—An au revoir or a fare-thee-well, madam? bossy, I slug her with a brick. The cow goes forth to chew the grasses which grow, or ought to grow, in masses along the brook and brae; and as she chews, the flies are pitching their tents on her, until the itching drives all her sense away. And then she seeks a muddy hollow and pauses there awhile to wallow and coats with mud her hide; and when you milk her in the gloam- ing, you have to spoil your fingers combing the gumbo from her side. And as you comb the mud off, singing a madrigal, the cow is swinging her head in her distress; she swats you with it on the shoulder and does her best to knock you colder than Johnsing was by Jess. You take your stool, with groan and shudder, and start a-toiling with her udder, between your feet the pail; the cow hauls off with ire and malice, as though she wished to break a gallus, and soaks you with her tail. With old dried mud the tail’s corroded; for grizzly bear the same is loaded —it seems to weigh a ton. It is grim cruelty’s refine- ment; it knocks your teeth out of alignment and makes the claret run. And then you take an old pump handle, and, greatly to the neighbors’ scandal, correction you bestow. You pound the cow with righteous ardor; the more she bawls, you pound the harder and chase her to and fro. Then once again your task resuming, your soul within you vainly fuming, you milk away like sin; the cow beholds the bucket brimming, with wholesome froth upon it swim- ming, and puts her foot therein. Oh, then you rise in wrath, reciting a lotof pagan verses, inviting the lightnings to descend; you ask the gods to send their thunder and split the blamed old world asunder and spoil your Grecian bend. Ah, Ihave milked by night and morning, and think a cow a horrid warning, a misfit and a frost; and if you get one free and gratis, you bet your head the old fool bat is not worth half what she cost. By WALT MASON Would Never Do Madge—Let's swing the hammock near the river. Marjorie—Gracious, no! One of the excursion boats PASTORAL would be likely to turn a searchlight on it some night. “The clothes of 2 summer's day."’