Judge — July 10, 1915 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

T H E M A GN IT By HIS is a mighty country, and any little thing in it, when mul- tiplied into a national total, becomes an awe-inspiring mess of figures. Twenty years ago a few American golf enthusiasts were bom- barding cows in a pasture with overgrown pills, while rows of solid citizens surrounded the fence and tapped their heads sadly as they watched them. To-day half a million tired business men march out onto the 3,000 golf courses of this country every Saturday afternoon. If these men were to drive off together from a tee five miles long, they would mow down an approaching army of 50,000 men at one stroke. If they were to use their niblicks in the same place, they would dig a canal 100 feet wide, ten feet deep and two miles long in four half holidays. If they were to drive off in turn, the last man would have to wait 176 years, four months and three days for his number —longer than it now takes on the Jackson Park course in Chicago. The time spent in hunting golf balls during one Saturday after- noon in this country would find Charley Ross, a President for Mex- ico, another Ty Cobb and a new idea for comic opera. It takes 250,000 caddies to carry the clubs of this army. The time spent in waiting for these caddies to catch up would complete a govern- ment post-office or allow four women to dress for the theater one after the other. Half a million dollars’ worth of golf balls are lost each Satur- day. There are also found gclf balls to the value of $345.75. The energy expended by this army in one half day would, if applied in a different manner, beat 100,000 carpets, thus throwing 5,000 men permanently out of work. This energy varies with the individual. Chick Evans does not use enough strokes to beat a carpet in a week, while I finish an entire houseful in an afternoon. The remarks used by American golfers in one afternoon would, if transcribed, occupy the full time of 25,000 recording angels and keep four celestial bookbinders working nights. Since golf, the telephone and the five-year-old automobile have been added to the complication of living, the recorder’s office has been enlarged - twenty-seven times and is now larger than the Ford factory. GEORGE G OL F U D E Oo F FITCH The golf courses of America cover a total of 298,345 acres, dry measure, and one pond seven miles around. It would take a poor player 7,345 years to mow this much ground with a midiron. These courses represent an outlay of $200,000,000, of which only $17.35 has been spent on the holes. And yet the holes are the most important part of the course. With all the money that has been lavished on golf, no improvement has been made in these holes. They are as hard to get into as ever. Sometimes our boasted Yankee inventiveness seems a trifle overestimated. Golf has added a total of 543,768 years to the lives of its play- ers. But the exertion of getting away from the office early on Sat- urdays has removed a total of 552,876 years, thus leaving a net loss of 8,892 years. Golf has also produced 217,000 partial wid- ows, who might as well have no husbands at all on Saturdays and Sundays, It costs about $25 to learn a fair game of golf from a profes- sional and about $500 to learn it from friends. Those wishing to play the game may join a good golf club for from $50 to $200. Players wishing to give up the game may have an arm and leg re- moved by any surgeon at reasonable rates. Handicapped HYLLIS is trying to teach me the game, Lends me her own golfing tools; Shows me their uses and calls them by name, Patiently outlines the rules. Though I am filled with ambition to learn, Vain are my striving and toil; All I accomplish, it seems, is to turn Acre on acre of soil. “'Don‘t be discouraged’’—her smile is most kind— “Driving is no trick at all, If you but bear my instructions in mind: Just keep your eye on the ball."" Phyllis, how little you know what you ask? What can a poor pupil do? Keeping my gaze on that pill is ‘‘some’’ task, When it can feast upon you / —W. KM. comichooks.cohp