Judge — May 29, 1915 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Making Matrimony a Partnership ésT.)O YOU know,’’ propounded Mrs. Spatz, as she absently deepened her dimple with a crochet needle, ‘‘ why mat- rimonial seas are so stormy?"’ Mr. Spatz carefully pushed a broom straw through his pipe stem before answering. ‘Because a wife calls every puff of wind a squall?"’ Mrs. Spatz shook her head. **A goodly number of boats are beached while the helmsman is below, manning the cook's galley,’’ averred Spatz. ‘‘The cooks on the Hymen liners are getting to want every afternoon out."’ “Guess again,”’ tartly invited his mate. ‘‘And place part of the fault where it belongs."’ “Which means: Put all the fault where it doesn’t belong.” He blew a derisive blast through his pipe stem. ‘Quite often the craft is capsized in a struggle for the possession of the skipper’s trousers. When the captain finds himself on the bridge, in full view of the fleet, minus the most important por- tion of his apparel, you can’t blame him for jumping over- board."” “*Blaming the woman,"’ jeered Mrs. Spatz, ‘‘is the first step in the process of ‘being aman.’ A boy baby with the colic * bangs his little fists against the breast that fed him and tries to howl that the milk wasn't properly handled.’* “He is too young to understand that the old adage has recently been amended to read, ‘The queen can do no wrong.’ But what are your ideas upon the subject?"’ “A matrimonial firm,"’ elucidated Mrs. Spatz, ‘‘should be Aaeful duffer—I am sorry I blacked your eye. What shall I pay you? governed by the same rules as other firms."’ Caddy—Aw, wha' d’ ye usually pay fer foozlin’ th’ ball inter yer caddy's eye? “Oh! The partners should contribute an equal 2s 5 a \ ; r amount toward the capital stock?” “Capital isn’t all that is necessary. There should be co-operation’’. “Husband and wife should labor equally hard?’’ ‘*Er—ah,"’ stammered Mrs. Spatz, whose only domestic feat to date had been a mess of scrambled eggs. This she had achieved by dropping a sackful upon a hardwood floor. ‘‘They should endeavor to pull harmoniously together. Neither should in- terfere with the other's department.’’ “*Yes,"’ dryly agreed Spatz. ‘‘A wife ought not to ask her husband to fire his best stenographer because the poor girl happens to be pretty.’” Mrs. Spatz reddened and hastily proceeded. “*A man should treat his wife as his equal.”” “‘Instead of as his superior?"’ “*He ought to divide the profits fairly with her."* ‘And when there were none, she would never tell him to ‘Get the money, somehow’?"’ **It would be partner-like for him to talk his affairs over with her,’’ asserted Mrs. Spatz, evincing symptoms of ire. “‘Fine!"’ heartily assented Spatz. ‘‘Let’s begin now. Trade is rotten. We must put every penny of our profits back into the business. By working night and day and not spending a cent except for : bread and meat’’. Longo a + “That will do!’ snapped Mrs. Spatz, her ——. cheeks threatening to ignite her crochet wool. “I'm no fool. I can see that you don’t want me for a partner.’” —Terrell Love Holliday. aie “* My little man, could you show me the nearest way to the post-office? "” “Yes, mum ; right through this here hole.”” comicbooks.com