Judge — February 20, 1915 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

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The: Secret of its, i @ popularity The PURE FOOD Whiskey For Sale Everywhere Passing Aiding the Doctor —‘‘It —er—seems,’ said he, regarding the unfortunate with entific interest, ‘that the attacks of fever and chills appear on alternate days. Do you think—is it your opinion—that they have, so to speak, decreased in violence, if I may use that word?" The patient smiled feebly. **Doc, id he, ‘‘on fever days my head's so hot I ‘t think, and on ague days I shake so I can’t hold an opinion.''"—New York Globe. The Social Scale—Homan—One of the waiters at this place was formerly a duke, one of the chefs was a count, and the bell- hop was a prince. Ryontoo—I suppose the manager was for- merly a king or emperor. Homan—No; he was a milk- wagon driver.—New York Sun, A Mystery to Him—Newedd—Did you spend as much money as this before I mar- ried you? Mrs. Newedd—Why, yes! Newedd—Then bless me if I can under- stand why your father went on so when I took you away from him.—Chicago Tribune. A Cool Response—‘*Look here!’ said an excited man to a druggist. ‘You gave me morphine for quinine this morning !"" **Is that so?”’ replied the druggist. ‘‘Then you owe me twenty-five cents. Christian Register. Disgusted— Waiter (to the housemaid)— Well, ‘ere’s me, with two brothers and a cousin in Portland Prison and three sisters in Paddington Workus, and then the first question strangers always asks me is, “Waiter, are you a German?’’—Sketch, Couldn’t Get It—‘‘I like this quaint little mountain village of yours, waiter. I sup- pose I can get plenty of oxygen here?"’ “No, sir; we've got local option.’? — Sacred Heart Review. Sympathy—Mrs. Gray—The window in my hall has stained glass in it. Mrs. Green—Too bad! Can’t you find anything that'll take the stains out?—To- peka Journal. Repartee—‘All the fools are not dead yet,’ said the sarcastic man. **What's the matter with you?"’ asked the simple one. ‘‘Aren't you feeling well?’’— Joplin Star. Encouraging—Cholly—Before I met you, I thought of nothing but making money. Ethel—Well, keep right on! Pop ain't so rich as folks think !—Dallas News. Wisdom—'‘ De world owes you a livin’,’” said Uncle en, ‘but it’s up to you whether you gits it out'n yoh own kitchen or in de bread line."’—Washington Star. His Dormitory— Dorothea Newrox—Where is papah? Mrs. Newrox—In the library, dearie; but don’t wake him up now.—New York Sun. ever thought seri- Too Late—‘Have y ously of marriage, sir “Indeed I have; ever since the cere: mony."'—Boston Transcript. the Mustard His Habit—‘You'll have to qui ing,"’ said the physician. ee aaa “1 don't smoke.” “Then you'll have to quit drinking.” “Tdon’t drink.” “Haven't you any habits?" “*None at all—except taking medicine» Washington Star. sine The Fool of Fools Some persons marry on railroad trains, And some atop a skyscraping peak; But most foolish and brave are those’ Who marry on seven dollars a week, —Philadelphia Ledger. His Assets—‘‘I see that Jones has failed, Has he any as z j “Nothing of any value. The inventor which he filed with his petition in bank, ruptcy shows that he had two hundred and thirty wedding presents. "’— Brooklyn Citizen, A Feminine Device —‘‘I thought the Christmas expense was over, but it isn’t."* **How now?"* “*My wife has exchanged a lace handker- chief and six hundred dollars additional for a fur coat ‘Kansas City Journal, The Exception—*‘ Do you subscribe to the old theory that the criminal always retums to the scene of the crime?" “Not always,’’ replied the sure-enough detective. ‘Sometimes the extradition pa- pers won't hold."’—Kansas City Journal. Not Always—Bacon—Is your wife contin- ually asking ‘‘What's the trump?" when playing cards? Egbert—No, not continually. Sometimes she only looks it.— Yonkers Statesman, Flattery—Mother—Why don't you yawa when he stays too long? He'll take the hint and go. Daughter—I did, and he told me what beautiful teeth I had.—Philadelphia Ledger. Gone Up—‘‘I wonder what has become of the old-fashioned dime novel?" remarked the old fogy. “*It has gone up to a dollar and a half,” replied the grouch.—Cincinnati Enquirer. Clever Swain—Siic—The diamond in this engagement ring is awfully small. He—I told the jeweler it was for the smallest hand in Boston. —Philadelphia Bu- letin. His Percentage — Cityman— How masy servants do you keep? Suburbanite—About one out of twelve.— Buffalo Express. Sarcasm—‘‘Are the Newriches entertais- ing this season?"’ “Entertaining? Well, I should rather call them amusing."’—Boston Transcript. Expectancy—‘Why, that rich old fool doesn't know he ing !"" “True; but his relatives feel it keenly.” —Philadelphia Ledger. Dad Will Get Scolded I!l fares that home, to hastening ills a prey, Where dust accumulates while ma’s away: —Kansas City Journal.