Judge — February 13, 1915 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BOUT this time of the year a great many American business men become absent-minded and restless. They do not take their usual keen pleasure in such indoor sports as pulling ticker tapes and running endurance races with stenog- raphers. They do not even enjoy hearing the high-priced vaude- varlet pull the joke which their dear old fathers loved when Lincoln was a boy. When the sun shines brightly and a breath of warm air steals through the office window, they sink into a dreamy state, from which even a big cash order can scarcely extract them. Something is very plainly the matter with these men. They are coming down with golf again. In another month thousands of cases will rage throughout the business world. Whole offices will be infected, and the customer who comes in to buy seven carloads of prime beans will have to edge up to his subject by discussing putting in its final stages. It is sad to see a strong, keen man, who last December would work until midnight to put the eternal kibosh on a competitor, tot- tering from his desk at two p. m. in March, in order to go over to the club and talk ‘*stances’’ and ‘‘grips.’’ If he would only go away to the north, as the man does who has hay fever in August, he might recover. But when any one suggests this, he laughs rudely and bets the friendly adviser five dollars that he can putt five balls nearer the center of the rug than any man in the house. In April the di at its height. Men who have broken out with golf are very hard to get along with in April. They do not give a hang whether Great Britain captures our ships or not, but they discuss the slowness of the golf committee in words that burn and destroy. In May a great improvement is noted. All golf sufferers be- come completely disabled on Saturday afternoons and Sundays, but are better during the week, though still nervous and wandering in their conversation, being likely to break up a directors’ meeting at any time by discussing the back spin mashie shot. In June and July the patients mend rapidly. A feature of the convalescence is their extreme irritability on Mondays, however. Those who have to work under a golfaletic on Monday will do well to get a line on his Sunday scores before approaching him with a Fequest for a vacation. By November the patient is usually entirely well. He works steadily, recognizes his children at first glance and is often seen with his wife on Saturdays. It is affecting to see the joy in a household when father comes home from the Golf Sanitarium in the autumn and puts his clubs in the attic. Patients in a light stage of this great summer complaint lose money rapidly each week, but attend baseball games with some in- terest and can do light work. In more severe cases the patient suffers from decay of the vocabulary and inability to vote on elec- tion day if the weather is nice. In the third stage or hopeless cases the unfortunate man pays fifty cents an hour all winter for the privilege of driving golf balls off a door mat into a canvas screen in a downtown golf carousal. In such cases chloroform should be administered by kind hands. Taking His Measure A bright little newsie entered a business office, and approach- ing a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingrati- ating smile, “I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to’’—— “Out with you!"* interrupted the man. ‘Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles “T should say not!"" **They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale,'’ he continued. Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically in- quired, “What’n seven kinds o’ blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"" Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered, ‘Use it for a hat."" —C. A. Leedy. Some Confession **We love but once."’ If so, I fear My heart is in a dreadful whirl. I send a valentine each year, But always to a different girl. Time To Reduce Madge—Is she keeping Lent because she repents of her double life? Marjoric—No; on account of her double chin. comicbooks.com