Judge — November 28, 1914 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

E D I Protecting the Persimmon’s Pucker HE Department of Agriculture is up to its old tricks again. It is now trying to revive its nefarious project of taking the pucker out of persimmons. Just who initiated this sacrilegious at- tack on the most characteristic inherit- ance of this famous, although almost in- edible fruit, is not a matter of public record. But the scientists of the depart- ment have devoted years of unceasing effort to remove from the persimmon the only thing that differentiates it from a piece of codfish or a pumpkin pie—its inimitable and unsalable pucker. This famous astringent quality, which has given the persimmon its place among our famous products, is now to be abolished by departmental decree. Uncle Sam’s wise men have discovered that if you will take a persimmon and lock it up ina hermetically sealed contrivance contain- ing carbonic-acid gas and leave it there long enough, it may be eaten with im- punity. Technically these experts de- clare that the action of the carbonic-acid gas hardens the tiny capsules of the fruit which contain the tannic acid that is re- sponsible for its vigorous astringency, and AN OBSOLETE INQUIRY : T O R thus makes them insoluble and tasteless. All of which may be very lovely; but an indignant nation thunders back the question, “Why?” Why should a highly paid governmental department interfere thus ruthlessly with the precious patrimony of the persimmon? Why should the bureaucratic experts who ornament the government payrolls be permit:ed, by some newfangled proceed- ings, to wipe out the distinguishing fea- ture which has made the persimmon famed in joke and song? Puckerless persimmons! Bryanless Chautauquas! Brineless ocean! Umpire- less baseball! Fadless fashions! Yea, sar from us our most cherished legends, roy for us our most treasured herit- ! Wipe out England’s Magna Charta, trample underfoot the American Constitu- tion, drag Arcturus and Orion from the firmament! T: “Uncle Joe's” cigar away! But , oh, leave the persim- mon’s pucker untouched, intact and un- profaned! Excruziating A PERSON named Fly writes to ask, “If Vera had a yacht, where would Vera Cruz?"’ We have not the slightest idea, but if Brother Fly will call at this office, we will show him what Vera would do to a fly if she had a swat instead of a “IS MY HAT ON STRAIGHT?” I A L Brief Decisions ««’ TALK business, not war,” is the latest S slogan—a mighty goodone. Inac- cordance with its principles, His Honor begs to call public attention to the fact that his appetite for good, wholesome hu- Newz . > @ —~ _— BANG) > Q mor is wholly unabated, his pulse is run- ning strong, and his circulation constantly increasing. Eggs and barium sulphite has riz, but rain or shine, JupGe remains now and forever, one and inseparable, within the reach of all, at ten cents a copy. Out of the roar of blatant war and all its hurly-burly, a clarion call for one and all is, Do Your Christmas Shopping Early! A cow out in Indiana is reported to have eaten twenty-five hens. This sounds extraordinary, but, after all, it is simple reciprocity. The world has been consum- ing milk-fed chickens for years, and we see no reason why there shouldn't be & little chicken-fed milk now and then. Talk about the high cost of living! It now costs a member of the House of Rep- resentatives $21 to take a day off.