Judge — August 22, 1914 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“No, Lucille, | shall not emerge until that rufhan with the camera leaves the beach” The LEEP—the gunmen, divorcees, speed- ers, tired business men, tangoists, unworthy poor are crying for it, as the children are tain well-billboarded med- icine. NI ey right. Now cast your \ ae eyes upon the eminent ea gentlemen, Professor Carl Ludwig Schleich, of Berlin. Professor, The civilized man or woman of to- day’’—the professor is speaking his piece ten hours out of the twenty-four, if he or she expects to check the increased wear rasthenic life and temperament.’’ The professor is rather ponderous (he article, ‘‘How To Prolong Our Life,” recently published by the New York he becomes more terse. “Sunset and sunrise are nature’s time post-impressionists, the idie rich and the alleged to ery for a cer- { Frivolous idea? All , authority. Ludies and speak your piece. —‘‘must learn to sleep at the very least and irritability of his or her modern neu- really is writing this speech out in an Sun); but as he warms up to his subject, for sleeping and awakening.” Tittering Professor By RUSSELL GURE in the rear row must cease. ‘*Sleep quietly one-half of your life away. You will get twice as much out of the other half. Sleep is the preserver of the spiral electricity of the blood vessels. It is the key that winds up the timepiece of life.’’ Rather neat, isn’t it?) And did you no- tice what he said about neuraschenia— that word bantered about so freely in this country? Neurasthenia, I suspect, is the cause of most of our social and individual ills, Why, when one stops to think of it, of course it is! What is the matter with our criminals? Neurasthenia — expressed in a lamenta- ble tendency to confuse mine and thine. What is the matter with the society butterflies? Neurasthenia—expressed in their tango teas, their bridge parties, their feverish raids on the shops, and their tend- ency to contradict their husbands. What is the matter with our business men? Neurasthenia—superinduced by the fic- tion that dollars plus dollars equals hap- piness. What is the matter with the great American family? Everything, but principally neurasthenia, which breaks out in a divorce record that is coming to make Japan jealous. What shall we do about it? Why, our Discusses Sleep cuty is plain, We must get together and sing a national lullaby to the wakeful sinners, We must start societies for more efficient sleeping. We must close all theaters, dance halls, church enter- tainments, concerts, churches and saloons which keep open later than sundown. We must douse the Great White Way. We must insist that curfew shall ring to- night and every night. Instead of prisons, we ought to have lodging houses, where the nervous gun- man, the hysterical pickpocket and the wearied burglar might reform by the sim- ple process of stretching their wearied limbs upon downy beds of ease, while they dozed away the neurasthenia which makes them so unsocial in their conduct. Instead of sanitariums for broken-down captains of industry and the nervous wrecks of society, we should maintain highly exclusive institutions where fash- ionable derelicts could knit up the raveled sleeve of care by blissful slumber. In- stead of granting divorces to tempera- mental couples, judges should decree that they first iet Dr. Morpheus treat their tingling nerves. What a lot of trouble and care and heartache we could save in this absurdly comicbooks.com