Judge — July 11, 1914 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

2. A violet-ray scale of such delicacy of adjustment that an unopened package containing the manuscript of a modern novel may be weighed and automatically proved acceptable or otherwise, according as it weighs up to or be- low a definite standard, if perchance the peri- odical to which it has been consigned has such a thing. 3. A purple-ray auditograph which, when turned upon a woman's checkbook, will indicate instantly and with unerring accuracy just where that overdraft for $4.98 comes in, when she thought all along, and still thinks, she had a balance to her credit of $23.73. 4. A salaciometer which, when attached to thé cover of a modern sex-problem novel, will register unerr- ingly the precise percentage of salacious matter contained rein, thus enabling parents who are too busy to keep tabs on the literature of the day to ascertain just what kind of stories their daughters are reading. 5. A radiographic eyeglass for bridge players which, when placed on the right or left eye of a beginner, will enable him or her to look through the backs into the faces of the cards held by his or her opponents, and thereby protect themselves from the otherwise inevitable inroads upon their cash reserve. Not commendable, but useful. 6. A pair of professorial lenses which, when placed upon the nose of a college professor, will enable him to penetrate the ivory matter of the student before him into the deepest recesses of his brain tissue, bringing into plain view just how much or how little the student really knows concerning the sub- ject on which he is being examined. 7. An X-ray obliterator and restorer which, when used on a postal card, will make it impossible for a postmaster or any- body else to read the card in transit, but after delivery will FISHIN'S GOOD Tommy (to piano tuner) —Can't ye fix that piano somehow so I woa't be able to practice for a while? “THERE 13 A TIDE IN THE APPAIRS OP MEN” cause the obliterated message to come back into the full glory of legibility, thereby making confidential communication by penny post possible. 8. A radiographic mirror before which a man suffer- ing from indigestion may stand and in the reflected image of himself get a full and unimpeded view of his table of contents, thereby demonstrating clearly whether his sufferings are due to a temporary difference of opin- ion between a lobster salad and a plate of ice cream or to a permanent impairment of his digestive carburetor. 9. A five-o’clock teadiograph which will record faith- fully the varicus noises which pass for conversation at functions of that character and definitely establish the economic and sociological value of the average view expressed over the samovar. 10. A blue-flame radioticker of so sensitive a nature that it will record on the tape not what stocks are sell- ing at to-day or where they stood at this time last year, but just how the list will stand to-morrow or the day after, and which, when its activities are turned upon mining stocks, will indicate the precise difference be- tween prospectous values and ultimate realizations. His Wise Plan i ‘‘Me and muh wife, we never has no trouble, sca’- cely,’’? stated square-headed old Brother Bombershay. “*Yo’ see, sah, when I 'fuses to mingle in a ahgymunt wid de lady, she grows as pleasant as pie, uh-kaze she thinks she has done got me convinced. But she hasn’t; I's merely seen de foolishness o’ tryin’ reason wid a *ooman.”” Perfect Cora—So it was a lovely moonlight night he proposed? Dora—Yes, dear. Every once in a while the moon went behind a cloud. . comicbooks.com