Judge — June 20, 1914 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THis world is full of tiresome folks, who should be placed upon the shelves; some bore us with their ancient jokes, and some with jokes they made themselves. Some slam away at men of straw, and some explain the nation’s shame, and some expound the tariff law, when we'd discuss the baseball game. Of all the dismal, dreary chaps, who roam around this world of woe, the most unbearable, perhaps, is he who says, ‘1 told you so!’’ When dire Misfortune, stern and grim, gives you a solar plexus blow, you'll get no sympathy from him; he merely says, ‘‘I told you so!"’ He snooped around when I was young, just as he snoops around to-day, and jarred me with his deadly tongue and took all pleasure from my play. I skated where the ice was thin— for I could skate in forty styles; I found an airhole and went in and sank about a thousand miles. They fished me out, three- quarters drowned, and laid me on the ice and snow; and then the Bore came straddling round and groaned and said, ‘‘I told you so!"” I went to rob the honey bees of honey that they did not need; they had it stored away in trees, and I was worried by their greed. ‘I'll give those bees a stern rebuke,’’ I said, “because they act like pigs."’ Alas! my effort was a fluke; they stung me with their thing-me- jigs. They stung me on the neck and head, they stung where'er a chance was found; they filled me full of melted lead and left me howling on the ground. And as I lay there, springing shrieks that bent the welkin like a bow, along there came the chief of freaks, who sighed and said, “I told you so!” And when I grew to be a man, the Bore was always in my way; and if I botched some daz- zling plan or worked a scheme that didn’t pay, he at my elbow would appear and let his briny teardrops flow, and say to me, in-accents drear, the same old wheeze, ‘‘I told you so!"’ If I fall down a flight of stairs while hunt- ing something in the dark, or hit my shins against the chairs and from those organs knock the bark, or if I’m caught out in the rain without a tent to shed the fall, or if I run to catch a train and miss the blamed thing after all—oh, when my fondest hopes are canned, and I am burdened with my woe, the Bore is sure to be on hand, to sadly say, ‘I told you so!" And when the Judgment Day is here, and we line up to hear our doom, the Bore will be a-loafing near, to add new darkness to the gloom. When I arise in my white shroud, all ready with the goats to go, I'll see him sitting on a cloud and murmuring, “TI told you so!"" Suggested Line of March for June Weddings BRIDESMAIDS, bearing lightning rods. Groomsmen, incased in Cupid-shaft-proof armor. He and She, floating in thin air. Father, in give-away mood. Discarded suitors, wearing sackcloth and ashes. Female critics, carrying harpoons, shafts and poison-tipped javelins, Beatrice Bon-Ton, Cynthia Chic and other society re- porters, wielding lead pencils. Male critics, bearing hammers, tongs and bludgeons. Battery of rice artillerists. Brigade of old-shoe heavy artillery. Baggage wagons, festooned with white ribbon, rice, etc. Rabble, relatives, gift bearers, knockers, gossipers, wags, prophets of good and evil. Ghosts of dead loves. Scouting party of storks. —Stuart HB, Stone Quite a Depression Mr, Skids—I want you to be as economical as possible, my dear. Times are very dull, and I want to continue to be able to look the world in the face. Mrs. Skids—1 should say they were dull, when the only way a man can look the world in the face is to let his wife go round without any clothes. Condolence Sympathetic friend—There’s wan comfort, Mrs. McHin- nery. Noo that yer puir man has gone to a better warld, ye ken where he is 0’ nights. Mrs. McHinnery (grimly) —I still hae ma doots. Like Other People Skits—What gift do you suppose a man specially needs to be able to write humor? Skittles -Oh, I don’t know; but, I suppose, to be free from the troubles he jokes about. aT HUPmAL | PRECINCT vore ven comicbooks.com