Judge, 1914-05-30 · page 12 of 24
Judge — May 30, 1914 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century American humor: **"Ready to Reap"**: A crude joke about a woman's artificial grain decoration on her hat tickling a man's ear in a streetcar. His threat to "harvest" the oats with a jackknife is presented as dark humor about male irritation. **"Literary Certainties"**: A list mocking predictable formulas in popular fiction—pirate maps, duels in historical romance, stock cowboys, brutal sea captains, revolutions in Latin American tales, starving chorus girls, and incompetent police in detective stories. This satirizes how formulaic commercial fiction had become. **"The Confidence of Budding Genius"**: John Smith, a painter, displays samples while waiting for customers—suggesting naive optimism about his prospects. **"Tonsorial Topics" and "A Good Reason"**: Brief anecdotes about barber conversations and a wealthy man boasting to a newly-met policeman friend, satirizing class pretension and luck. The page reflects Judge's focus on social observation and literary mockery rather than overt political satire.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Ready to Reap LONG wisp of arti- ficial grain that served as a stick-up on the sweet girl's hat was placed hori- zontally, so that it tickled up and down who sat next to her in the street car, eae until it came to a resting place with the end nestling in his right ear. After the car had traveleda few blocks, the man was seen to remove from his pocket a large jackknife, which he proceeded to strop on the palm of a horny hand. Excitedly the girl inquired, “Why are you doing that?” “If them oats gits in my ear agin,”’ the man ejaculated, ‘‘there’s gonna be a harvest.’” Literary Certainties A map with every story of pirate treasure, A duel picture in every historical ro- mance. A cowboy who talks like the Virginian in every Western story. A brutal officer in every sea story. One fight to a chapter in every yarn of Alaska. A revolution in every South American tale. A starving chorus girl in every story of the stage. A discomfited police official in every detective story. “IN SEARCH OF A HUSBAND” “‘What was the result?’’ ‘With apologies to the author, “He said that he had changed his.’’ the face of the man’ <@ JohV 2MiTh & ExPert 2ive Paivter .| ——- PLAUESS Fancy sihee Painted aT PLANE = SAIQ Higheat Grade Work Guaransed] come im And inapecT my 2ampl NY, © 0000000 THE CONFIDENCE OF BUDDING GENIUS “* Now all I've got to do is wait for the customers to roll in."’ Tonsorial Topics A Good Reason “I like the Boston barbers, anyhow." THEY hadn’t seen each other since “As to why in particular?’’ leaving the little country town ten “Instead of talking all the time about years before, and so, when they met at brilliantine or hair tonic, they discuss Broadway and Forty-second Street, it ethical questions. "’ took them nineteen minutes to shake hands. “Well, Arthur, how are you getting on?’’ asked George, as soon as he could overcome his joy enough to speak. “Oh, pretty good,’’ replied Arthur. “Can’t complain, you know. Received a new automobile from Paris this morning, bought two more houses on Green Street yesterday, sold half of my interest in the Gee & Haw Lumber Company last week, and hope to negotiate for an eighty-five- foot steam launch to-morrow, if I receive a dividend on my bank stock this after- noon. By the way, how are you getting on yourself?’” “Oh, I can’t complain, either,’’ laughed George. ‘‘I’m a policeman, too. —James P. Rome. Adapted In days of hoops small children clung To mother's skirts with tender touch; The modern mother scarcely wears Enough for one small child to clutch. Changed All Around “Jack asked me to marry him last week, and I refused. Yesterday I tele- phoned him that I had changed my mind." comicbooks.com