Judge, 1914-05-16 · page 8 of 24
Judge — May 16, 1914 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short humorous pieces typical of Judge magazine's satirical style: **"Taking a Stroll"** presents a poem about a woman regretting a long walk in restrictive "pegtop" skirts (fashionable but impractical early 20th-century clothing), ultimately calling for a taxi. **"Result of Prohibition"** jokes about the 18th Amendment: Father Neptune quips that he can now wade near American warships without cutting his feet on broken bottles—implying that pre-Prohibition sailors discarded so many bottles that the seafloor was littered with glass. **"Can't Lose Grandmamma"** contrasts old-fashioned propriety ("quadrilles sedately") with modern dancing, as grandmother now "tangoes like a broiler" (vigorously)—poking fun at generational shifts in behavior. The remaining pieces are wordplay jokes ("Useless for Building," "On a Common Level," "The Unmathematical Answer," "Averting Trouble") with no clear political content—just light humor typical of the magazine's miscellaneous filler.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“A quart,’’ said the other hopefully. “It is the mess!"’ The host's voice was tragic. ‘‘Sir, your good health and prosperity!) And—er— er—your turn first!’ The visitor’s expres- sion grewmore cheerful. “Your very good P\sy* health, sir!’ he said. “And I trust you won’t mind remarking this reminds me a bit of a % prohibition State."” ~The host smiled, but his smile was grim. “‘Sir,’’ said he, ‘‘in these latter days every American battleship should be re- named the Maine!"’ Taking a Stroll By Diz and Mary (Being three complete poems in ose, all of the lines con- stitutisg a poem, those in Roman letters a poem, and those in italics a poem.) There is no end to any street! I've walked too much; my rubbers hurt! The untrod distance seems so sweet! Why did I wear this pegtop skirt? It stretches on through endiess miles. I nevermore will stroll so far! A far-flung vision becks and smiles. Next time I come, Pll take a car. And, oh, the lure of distance dim! Yes? Home looks mighty good to me! 'Tis like some softly chanted hymn. I wish some auto-owning he, As ever on and on I plod, Would come along and say, ‘‘Hop in!”’ For distance deepens, rod by rod. Td greet him with a merry grin. But time is short, the vision far. Each foot feels like a hot lead slab, I hie me hence, where duties are. Great heavens! Call a taxicab! Result of Prohibition Father Neptune (to group of mermaids) ~-Well, girls, I must say it’s more com- fortable, now I can wade around under an American man-of-war without cutting my feet on broken bottles. Mrs. Huff—What shall | do with this picture of my Christian Science friend? Mr. Huff -Buy a frame of mind for it. Useless for Building OARDS of arbitration. Beams of the eye. Frames of mind. Sashes of silk. Steps to reform. Doors of opportunity. Windows of the soul. Concrete examples. Stony stares. Bolts of thunder. Locks of hair. Anatomical pains. Harvey Peake On a Common Level Consoling friend—Cheer up, old chap! At best the only difference between po- etry and poverty is a v. Despondent poet-—Yes, 1 know. The o(we) is just the same in both of them. Can't Lose Grandmamma ‘ QV HEN grandmamma was young and fair, The world was prim and stately; At balls she wore a queenly air ‘And stepped quadrilles sedately, Now grandmamma is old and gray— But fashion cannot foil her, For out she bounces every day And tangoes like a broiler. —Andrew Armstrong. The Unmathematical Answer ‘Hogan,’ propounded Schmidt, “if a hen unt a half Jaidt an egg unt a half a day, how long vouldt it dake a hen to lay half an egg?”’ “A hin,’? promptly responded Pat, “wud scorn to short-change her owner be layin’ half an egg. An’ nobody but a tightfist wud iver think av such a thing,” AVERTING TROUBLE ““Y.yes, mother. I’ve b-been in swimming. I went in to g-get you these w-water lilies."” comicbooks.com