Judge, 1914-05-16 · page 13 of 24
Judge — May 16, 1914 — page 13: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century American humor: **"A Metaphorical Quest"** is a poem mocking romantic flattery. The speaker tries to compliment "Phyllis" but keeps failing—she's not fairy-like, her complexion is tan rather than delicate, she lacks lily-like charm. Finally, he settles on calling her a "speckled beauty" like a trout, comparing her freckles to fish spots. The satire ridicules flowery romantic language and how men stretch truth to compliment women. **"Out of Her Line"** shows a customer confused about buying a catcher's glove, asking "How much are they a pair?"—suggesting she doesn't understand baseball equipment terminology. **"Not Worth That Much"** depicts a motorist and angry farmer; the joke is the motorist claims bankruptcy from car ownership, making him judgment-proof. **"For the Collection Box"** and other brief pieces are simple jokes about children's misunderstandings and domestic life. The overall tone reflects genteel, family-friendly satire about courtship, automobiles, and everyday confusion.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A Metaphorical Quest OW, Phyllis, Ideclare youare A fearful puzzle to me, Returning from the country far, To ease my pathway gloomy. Thardly know, of all the things That stand for beauty youthful, Which one he'd choose who ever sings In measures strictly truthful. I cannot rightly say that you Remind me of a fairy, For if my phrases must be true, You're not exactly airy. ‘Tis evident your landlord in Yon home of health and babel Won mighty little solid tin From you upon his table! I cannot say that, like the rose, You’re delicately tinted, For really your complexion glows With tannish hues unstinted. And as for lilies, it is clear The charm that makes them wealthy Cannot be called your own, my dear— You look so mighty healthy! Yet when I gaze upon your nose And note its store of freckles, The bafling problem straight- way goes, My soul no longer heckles— . The trout’s the symbol made for gt eee EINE: , thee Salesman—This is the regular boys? size catcher's glove, ma'am. * Purchaser—Very well, How much are they a pair? And finely does its duty, For you, indeed, come back to me . My own rare speckled beauty ! Proof For the Collection Box John Kendrick Bangs. - eR nerlek irae Stella—Are they wealthy? poy. age four, had been sent up- A short man may not always be beneath Bella—They gave their baby an auto stairs by his mother to get ten cents, contempt. tire to cut his teeth on. which she intended to use for the pur- chase of postage stamps. Not knowing exactly what a ten- cent piece looked like, Jimmy called downstairs, ‘‘Mother, is ten cents a little piece of money? “Yes, Jimmy; the smallest piece of money in my purse.’” “Oh, I know now, mother! Church "+ money."’ Symbol of Bygone Days I saw a sight this morning That made my fancy fly Back o’er the years, in visions Of blissful days gone by. "Twas but a tiny symbol, But, oh, how it did grip! A bow of gaudy ribbon Tied on a buggy whip. —Charles H. Meiers. What's in a Name? Mary—Her house is full of tacky, home-made things! Carrie—Why, my dear! They are arts and crafts work! How lovely ! NOT WORTH THAT MUCH Irate farmer—For two cents I'd knock your block off! Motorist—Too late! I've been broke ever since I bought this car, Mary—Oh! comicbooks.com