Judge — April 25, 1914 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN INCOME TAX-ICAB Ike Rubenstein, th’ proprietor, let a whoop out of him that would a-scared a wooden Indian away from his post in front of a cigar store, and started to haul Sam out of th’ showcase by th’ hind leg. This made th’ hornets madder than ever, and they divided their forces and took after Rubenstein and his dog. Th! dog went straight through th’ plate-glass front, and Rubenstein, cryin’ like a baby and hollerin’, ‘‘Fire!’’ made a dash for th’ rear door and fell through th’ open hatch intew th’ rutabaga bin in th’ cellar, tearin’ his clothes and mussin’ up th’ place in general. In about a minute Squire Fassbender and Parson Schoat cum a-runnin’ frum different directions—and in less'n that time they started off agin, wavin’ their arms and a-slappin’ themselves like a hull flock of geese sassin’ a book agent. All this time Sam was a-jumpin’ up and down, a-floppin’ his arms and yellin’. Then he made a scoot fer th’ back door of th’ Advocate office, and, gittin’ inside, grabbed up his summer trousers. Gist as he wuz about t’ shuck off th’ inhabited ones, in walks th’ lady typesetter, and Sam, half cussin’ and half cryin’, dashed out agin, carryin’ his summer pants be- hind him like an automobile pennant flut- terin’ in th’ glad, free wind. Where he wuz a-goin’ or what he wuz a-goin’ t’ do, he didn’t know; but gist then th’ office devil yelled out after him, “Sam, th’ typesetter hez fainted !”’ “P-p-put a hornet in her pocket!’’ yelled Sam over his shoulder, as he turned th’ bank corner, a-headin’ fer th’ river. When Sam cum up th’ seventh time, th’ last hornet hed gone away—mad as usual and not half satisfied. Then Sam crawled out on th’ bank and changed his trousers, feelin’ gently of hisself on th’ raised places meanwhile. By th’ time th’ fire department reached th’ scene, Sam hed all th’ fire stamped out of his pistol pocket, but there was plenty left, so he sed, where th’ pesky varmints had hit him with their javelins. “Pride goeth before a fall,”’ he printed in th’ Advocate yes- terday. ‘‘I oughta known bet- ter'n tew have had two pairs of pants. None of th’ best editors does."’ Shot and Half Shot Piper—I was told that Ruma- ger was shot on Eighth Avenue to-day. Heidsieck—Indeed! I have seen him half shot on Broadway a number of times. “Your husband is always punctual to the second.’’ “Yes; he trained our poodle to hunt down his collar buttons.’’ Jobn. Her husband—Yes. Not Exactly Definite He—I can’t afford to marry for five years. Will you wait for me? She—Certainly—if no one else marries me before then. No Slits In the good old days so dear to each heart On modesty women put stress; And they always showed it by dressing the part, Instead of parting the dress. THE DIFFERENCE Young qwife—Your tangoing has improved wonderfully, Don't you remember how you tore my dresses? I wasn’t buying them then. comicbooks.com