Judge — April 11, 1914 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Easter “In Our Town” By BYRON WILLIAMS ROM Carrie Stoessinger’s 1914, six-cylinder purple hat, built up with aspar- agus ribbon and Ame: can Beauty roses to imi- tate the leanin’ Tower of Pi to little Anna- bell Lee’s recitation of “Hop, Rabbit, Hop,’? Easter in our town was a grand encomium of praise. As Squire Woodhouse sez, “It wuz the ne plus ultra of progress- iveness and outdid Ringling Brothers’ circus parade in these parts the year of the yellow snow."” From the advantage point of our sanctum window, we took in the hull show, includin’ Sid Peabody in his new stovepipe and yarn mitcens, up to and corelatin’ with Miss Imogene Partridge in anew slit skirt from Paris, Indiana, and a polka-dot underskirt from the New York store in our town. There wuz special-edition hats, hats de luxe and just hats. Sum of ’em were dinky little wisps of eiderdown made by dryads in Danforth’s woods, and sum of ‘em were bigger than a town flat with steel girders and Spanish tile roofs. As for decorations—they varied from grape- fruit in flocks to red raspberries and cherries en stem. There wuz feathers and flowers and laces and filigree and frostin’, until the Methodist church con- gregation looked like a cockatoo sunset splashed with red ink and bluin’. When Doris Torrence sung the openin’ PERTINENT THE BEGINNING Anna—Did yor tell your mother that Billy Brown kissed you? Annabel—No. hymn, entitled ‘Rise, Oh, Rise!'’ Hank Craig, in his woolen shirt, celluloid collar and red made-up necktie, sat there with his mouth wide open, a-grippin’ the pew arm to hold him down to earth, whilst Obadiah Brown, henpecked, arose and stood a minute before he noticed that he was the only one in the hull congregation who had obeyed the woman’s mandate. He set down quick and got red when the choir snickered, Parson Soberacre took for his text: “Solomon in all his glory was not ar- rayed like one of these.” When he hed announced his sermon, old Deacon Hard- scrabble bowed his head and said piously, ‘“Amen!"’ Lu- cille Danforth smoothed a wrinkle out of her green silk and sighed happily, whilst the Widow Morgan stirred uneasily in her black and shiny alapacker and put her chapped hand under the hymn book. The parson was gittin’ warmed up to his text, when all to onct the fire whistle blowed! Tod Lindaman, chief of the fire department, stum- bled over Prixy Wilson's train, slipped on the register and struck Deacon Slocum’s corn a crack that made him sing as he caromed out of Tom—What was the result of the election in Mexico ? Dick—Dunno. Who was shot ? the church, follered by the hull department, Mayor I was afraid she wouldn't invite him to my birthday party. Wilson, Editor B. F. Burton and Marshal Stivers, In about a minute Sim Wilkin- son come slippin’ back and whispered to Brick Bronson, who wuz usherin’, thet the town hall wuz on fire. In five minutes more there wasn’t no- body left in that church but wimmin. By the time the service wuz over, the firemen wuz right in the heart o’ the fire, so to speak, and gist as the women cum trailin’ past, Zeke Splifkins let the noz- zle slip out of his hand. Gee whilikens! Fer a minute the air wuz full of Easter hats and river water —and then cum the big parade thet Squire Woodhouse wuz a-talkin’ about. Wimmen yelled and ducked, throwin’ their slip skirts up over their hats to keep ’em frum gittin’ wet—all but Imogene Par- tridge, with the slit one, which wuz too small. Pride goeth beforea fall. The fire wuz a bad one, and the water in the tank wuz low and hadn't been cleaned out lately. The result was gist as might have been expected—spots! Black, muddy, discol- orin’ spots! Even the leopard in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these— and now they are talkin’ of firin’ Alf Pit- kin, the water superintendent, fer not keepin’ the tank clean. But it wuz a great Easter parade, any- how. We mean the one goin’ home. The only way we could of seen to improve on it wuz to have made it possible fur Imo- gene to have showed her polka dot. An Easter bonnet on the head is more certain than two in the milliner’s. comicbooks.com