Judge — April 4, 1914 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

s it The Price of Reform F EVERY man became as good As preachers keep advising, If every woman's record stood Above all criticising, If every dance hall and saloon Became for ethics noted, If ‘‘bridge’’ fiends every afternoon To sermons were devoted, If politics were purified, If social ills were ended, If love knots never came untied, If children’s manners mended, If cracksmen only cracked nice jokes, If ganmen aimed at pleasing, If burglars left gold plate with folks, If grafters quit their squeezing— Oh, what a heaven looms in view, If we could only work it! But, tush! What would there be to do On the Chautauqua circuit? rick Moxon. The Admirable Art of Thinking ‘ ‘A WRITER in the Immaculate Maga- zine declares that thinking has practically become a lost art,’’ remarked the professor, when the members of the Sit and Argue Club were comfortably en- sconced in their chosen chairs around the tavern stove. “He does, har?’’ pessimistically de- manded the landlord, o’er whose hapless head carking care seemed flapping somber pinions. ‘For all I know such may be PROGRESSIVE Pick pocket—Dese vacuum cleaners is a great invention. Wot? the case with gents that write pieces for the magazines, but I’m here to suy that if a feller in the hotel business don’t keep up a lively thinking, morning, noon and night, the first thing he knows he bogs down in ruin, full and complete. What with prime breakfast bacon cost- ing thirty-eight cents a pound and the guests hollering for it like starving drag- ons, except when they happen to recollect the name of something else that costs more, and the weather either too hot or too cold, and me to blame for it either way, and everybody so cranky that a saint couldn't get along with ’em, a self-re- specting landlord has got to keep up a continual stream of thinking or go yell- ing and grabbing to the insane retreat! The man that espouses the hotel business without a strong mind sure burns his britches behind him!”’ “You mean ‘bridges,’ of course?” mildly amended the professor. “*Mebby so. Don’t make much differ- ence, though; for a gent that has runa hotel for a while has got just about as many bridges as he has britches, any way you look at him.’” “I had an uncle once,’’ stated Dud Ruckman, (a conservative thinker, ‘‘who read the Immaculate Magazine regularly and lived to a green old age in spite of it. At eighty-odd he bought a gold brick and narrowly escaped marrying a mail-order wife. He would have accomplished his pur- pose if he hadn’t sorter got the swell head. He wanted to make an im- pression on the lady when she arrived, and so, as all the decent- looking rigs belonging to the livery stable hap- pened to be out to a pic- nic except the new hearse, he met her at the train with that. And it kinda shocked her, or something.” —Tom I. Morgan. Joys of Matrimony Crawford — You say your wife gives you no rest day or night. But she must stop talking when she goes to sleep. Crabshaw— Oh, yes. Then she snores. THE DEAD LETTER My Inspiration HE, eyes are incandescent, Her hair is copper-hued, Her manner is magnetic, She's e’er in lively mood; Her touch sets me a-tingle, Till my whole being fills With million-ampere currents Of sweet electric thrills. I say this though we’re married, And she’s my dynamo. I simply have to hustle, And she’s what ‘‘makes me go. ~Terrell Love Holliday. The Perils of Persistence “IT once knew a young man,’’ remi- nisced Alexander Akinside, the promi- nent dyspeptic, ‘‘who proposed to the sume girl nineteen different times on nineteen consecutive evenings, and was rejected every pop until the last, when he was accepted with sobs of joy. Nat- urally, after so much persistence, he could hardly apologize—he had to fight. From this we should learn that we can poke our heads into lions’ mouths day after day with a semblance of safety, but even- tually there will come a time when we'll be surprised to find ourselves with noth- ing to wear our hats on.’’ Not in This Case Mrs. Incum (as the wife of a legislator suspected of accepting a bribe passed by) —They say money talks. Mrs. Getsum—It ought not to in that case, as it was hush money. comicbooks.com