Judge — March 21, 1914 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ALONG the pike I sadly hike, clear to the county’s borders; o’er sand and rock I daily walk—it is the doctor's orders. O’er hill and dale I hit the trail, and sigh, ‘‘If heaven pleases, this honest toil, close to the soil, will cure my twelve diseases.’’ The farmer’s pup would eat me up and chase me o’er the ridges; I'm full of scars where motor cars have knocked me off the bridges. But still I toil across the soil, where grinning jays behold me, until I lame my withered frame, because the doctor told me. The doc’s commands! When them he hands down from his whiskered jawbongs, the patient bows and makes his vows that he’ ubey the sawbones. No prince or king on earth, by jing! can make the people mind him, like our old doc; we never balk, but just obey, dad blind him! He feels my wrist and mutters, ‘‘Hist! Your heart is out of kilter; your lungs are punk—this is no bunc—your kidneys do not filter. You live too high, eat too much pie and porterhouse and cutlets; you'll have to change your habits strange, like other pampered muttlets. - Hereafter eat a cold raw beet, which will sustain and cheer you, and when you're dry just cast your eye upon that hydrant near you.’? No other guy beneath the sky could make me do his bidding. I'd say, ‘‘Ods death! Conserve your breath! I’m weary of your kidding!’ But when the doc makes such a talk, I argue not nor ques- tion; I live on straw and hay and slaw, and jar up my digestion. For days and weeks I live on leeks and barks and leaves and grasses, while neighbors boast the lusciods roast and buckwheats and mo- lasses. Folks say to me, ‘‘Oh, hully chee! Why all these crazy ructions?’”” And I reply, with heartfelt sigh, ‘‘It is the doc’s instructions !"" .. No king or prince before or since the throne was first invented, or crowns The officer—No, sir; were made of zinc and jade, and halidoms were rented, could make us bend our heads and wend on errands vain and silly, as does the doc, whose pregnant talk is flanked by potions pilly! The Humane Hermit NCE upon a time a traveler discovered a hermit basking in the sunshine at the entrance of his cave. “‘I presume,’’ inquired the wayfarer, ‘‘that you were driven to abandon the haunts of men and embark in the hermit profes- sion by reason of the weariness caused by the efforts of other people to pry into your business?”’ “Not so!’’ replied the hermit. ‘I took to the wilds bee: I could not restrain my curiosity about other people’s business. Thereupon the traveler bowed low and said, ‘‘For once in my life I see a man who possesses a willingness to take the same medicine that he prescribes for others !’’ A Good Thing Ford—Has Suburbs a well-appointed house? Shaw—He must have. Since he moved out to Loneyhurst, his neighbors never think of going anywhere else when they want to borrow anything. e Foiled Madge—How was it you didn’t have a good time at the reception? Marjorie—I heard a story about a girl who was there, but she kept within hearing all the time, and I couldn’t tell it to anybody. Winter Training “You have more stamina,’’ commented the delighted mana- ger. ‘‘Seem to be able to go a longer route. Your winter training must have helped you.’’ “I think it did,’ said the star pitcher. winter I only did twenty minutes in vaudeville. ter I was out with a five-act play.’’ “You see, last This win- People who on every conceivable occasion vociferously de- mand their “‘rights’’ usually get left. IT SAFE this business ain't no more dangerous 'n any other—if a feller 's careful. PLAYING comicbooks.com