Judge — January 24, 1914 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NS The Dangerous Chinese Pipe CHINAMAN in Paterson was fined ten dollars a few days ago for hit- ting another man with his pipe. To our way of thinking, the Chinaman got off too lightly, for we have seen a Chinese pipe. We know how large a Chinese pipe is. When you stand it up in the corner, it looks like a piece of fur- niture. It looks as though it might be meant to use on the carpet. When a Chinaman wants to take his pipe upstairs, he has to get it on his shoulder and a good grip on the banister. To hear him staggering down the hall with it sounds as though the moving men had come. When a Chinese tobacco pipe falls off the arm of a chair, the janitor comes running up to see what has happened. If a burglar breaks into a Chinese house, the husband does not try to get hold of a chair or a stick of stovewood. He feels around for his pipe and tele- phones for the police to be sure to bring a stretcher. Although the bowl of a Chi- nese pipe looks like a bend in a water main, the hole for the tobacco is no larger than a lead pencil. As soon as the operator has taken one whiff, he has to stoke up again. Before he starts in to have a good, com- fortable smoke, he has to wheel up a sup- ply of matches. By the time a queue native has smoked all that he wants, he is all worn out from filling his pipe, and the match stubs are piled around him un- til it looks as if a beaver had been at work. As for ourself, we wouldn't be hit over the head with a Chinese pipe for twice ten dollars. In fact, money would be no temptation to us when it came to be wal- loped over the head with an Oriental T. B. A Shocking Age A medical savant in Berlin has just worked out a plan by which people can be shocked to sleep. It seems to us that in this day of slashed skirts, tangoes and sex stories in the magazines, people are shocked enough during the day without putting them under with it at night. A Axa is Diaphanous Fervor WE SEE, according to the fashion sec- tion, that diaphanous gowns are to be in vogue more than ever after the middle of January. It would be just our luck for it to be cloudy all spring. We are believers in the diaphanous gown. No one has ever heard us say a word against it. Instead of that, we are always to be found on the sunny side of the street. We are never too busy to stop and ad- mire a diaphanous gown. If other men are too busy, they can make arrange- “MONEY WOULD BE NO TEMPTATION TO US WHEN IT CAME TO BE WALLOPED OVER THE HEAD WITH AN ORIENTAL T. B.” ments with us to do their looking for them at what, no doubt, will be a satis- factory figure to both sides. Our ad might read: GOWN GAZING At Reasonable Figures So, we say, don’t discourage the divert- ing diaphanous. There are enough cares in the world without doing away with any of its blessings. Superficial Cincinnati is considering passing a law requiring that lights be placed on baby carriages. We prophesy that this will meet with strong objection on the part of Cincinnati mothers. Why, there isn’t a mother in the city, we'll wager, who doesn’t think that her offspring is bright enough to make artificial illumination needless! Abbreviated Observations T HAS become known that some laun- dries are using sawdust in the place of soap. From the looks of some of the collars that we get back, it would look as though they were using just the saw. We wonder how many playwrights are busy now, bending over the midnight Mazda, turning out poison-needle plays, It won’t be long until we can go to the theater and find out all about how it’s done by budding playwrights who have seen it written up in the papers. For titles they might use ‘The Noxious Needle’’ or ‘‘The Curse of the Cambric.”” a A negro working in New York fell off a seven-story build- ing for the second time a few days ago. Each time he landed on his head, and each time he came back whistling; but the boss discharged him, on the ground that he was losing too much time coming back. oO A famous beauty specialist says that women ruin their beauty worrying about men. We must say that there are a lot of men being worried about. We saw some of these women on the street the other day. Even the fact that they had veils on didn’t keep them from showing that they had been worrying. A Holy Roller preacher in Alabama became so wrought up over his subject that he let a rattlesnake bite him five times to prove that he was immune to the poison. His assistant delivered a pleasant and courteous sermon at the ob- sequies. a A Poughkeepsie woman offers a reward of thirty-five dollars for the return of her husband, dead or alive. We'll bet that a husband who had a wife of that kind would come back only in the former way. is) A couple were fined six dollars a few days ago for kissing in Yonkers. This is outrageous! A person has got to do something there to pass the time. comicbooks.com