Judge — January 10, 1914 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

f HERE is no good advice on earth; there’s none that’s fit to follow. Though some may seem of sterling worth, it all is vain and hollow. A handsome home I used to own, with lawn and sparkling fountain, and in the bank had many a bone, to goodly sum amountin’, I had no cares to weigh me down, my soul with bliss was mellow, and you might search throughout the town, nor find a gayer fellow. Then with a man I had dispute, a chap named Jumbo Sawyer, and, like an addle-brained galoot, I went to see alawyer. The lawyer with some good advice full soon made me acquainted, and when at last he named his price, I heaved a sigh and fainted. The lawyer owns my stately home, and there he lives in splendor, while up and down the world I roam, in search of legal tender. He sits at evening on my porch and rests in my old rocker, and smokes in peace a two-bit torch and reads a shilling shocker. And Jumbo Sawyer roams with me, upon my bootless journey; beneath poor Jumbo’s old rooftree there dwells a rich attorney. A year ago, though mighty fat, no trouble was I knowing; the golden locks beneath my hat no trace of gray were showing. And then one day I went to see an eminent physician. He shook his head. ‘‘Gee whiz!’’ said say the tears I shed have flooded out the base- ment. Beware, my friends, of good advice, which is a rotten ladder; though on its face it seem- eth nice, it stingeth like an adder. Of course these metaphors are mixed, but you can catch their meaning; these crazy metaphors betwixt, you'll see the moral leaning. A New Year's Alphabet A is the Aid you will need in the aches of it, B is the Bunco they’!] work in the fakes of it. C is the Crank who will surely appear in it. D is the Dun who will always be near in it. E’s the Expense apt to grow worse and wo! F is the Fashion will empty your purse in i G is the Guess there'll be plenty of frets in it H_ is the Hope men will pay all their debts i I is the Ink bards will still go and sling in J is the Joke that will have a fresh sting in it. K is the Kick some will surely display in it. L is the Loan folks will ask every day in it. M is the Man that you'll hope will drop out in it. N is the Nuisance will travel about in it. O is the Odd with the queer that will reign in it. P is the Pessimist giving you pain in it. Q is the Question if you'll be of good in it. is the Rise of the prices of food in it. S is the Spinster who'll lessen her age in it. T is the Thirst that as usual will rage in it. U is the Underdog faring quite bad in it. V is the Voice that will drive you nigh mad in it. W's the Wage that you think you are worth in it. X is ’Xactly your claim of the earth in it. Y is the Year we write wrong at the start of it. Z is the Zany we'll laugh at through part of it. Nathan Proof Madge—How do you know she wasn’t satisfied work of the beauty doctor? Marjorie—She hasn't had any photographs taken. Evading the Question Mistress—Are you a good cook? Applicant—Yes'm. nit. I go to church every Sunday. M. Levy. with the he, ‘‘but you're in bad condition! You pack around a load of lard too great for one tocarry. Walk every day, and do it hard, if you on earth would tarry! Walk out of town, in country lanes, and hearthe wren and phoebe! Walk in the sunshine and the rains from Dan to Bockbeershe- bal” He gave me pills, this good ad- vice, a bottle of emulsion. I had, when he announced his price, three fits and a convulsion. Then I began to roam the woods, the roads and verdant prairies, and in the virgin solitudes I heard the cheap canaries; I saw the robin guard her eggs, drank from the streamlet’s ripple, and thus I spavined both my legs, and nowIamacripple. I sit all day with bended head apd gaze out from my casement, and people ATTACH PLANES TO YOUR AUTOMOBILE AND AVOW THE SPEED TRAPS comicbooks.com