Judge — January 10, 1914 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ild int Lis Only One Chance ee YAS,” said the old man who sat _ combing his whiskers with his fin- gers in a Jamestown hotel, while John Wells, of Buffalo, was waiting for his lecture hour to roll around. “Yes?'’ echoed John, anxious to get his mind off his lecture and onto some- thing pleasant. “*Ya-as, our parson done wrong. We was disapp’inted.”’ “As to what?” “Well, ye see, old Comrade Jeb Sutton THE SKEPTIC an’ Aunt Jane Priddy died th’ same week, Our parson ain’t none too plentiful with *is sermons, especially funeral ones. So he was up ag’inst it an’ preached iden- tical th’ same sermon fer each one of ‘em! Jest ezactly th’ same sermon— well, I might say he did leave out Jane’s war ree-kord.’’ Its Origin Moses tapped the rock. “Hitting the hard stuff, eh?’’ grinned Wheeses, early ancestor of a column con- ductor. To Laugh At “Why do they print jokes in the pro- gram of a musical comedy?’’ “*So the audience will have something to laugh at.’’ If all the bad notes of a musician were protested, he would b flat broke. “It's all right, mister! A Fool There Was (Apologies to Kipling) A FOOL there was, and she made her prayer (Even as you and I) To a bag on a broom and a dustrag square (We called her the dame with the house- maid’s air); But the fool, if she knew, she didn’t care. (Even as you and 1.) Oh, the miles she raced and the dirt she chased! And the work of her head and hand Belong to the man who was usually there (Except when he broke loose and went on a tear), Which she never could under- stand. A fool there was, and her time she spent (Even as you and I) Cleaning her hut, with a grim intent To scrub and grub (that was what life meant); For a fool must follow her nat- ural bent. (Even as you and I.) Oh, the, toil she lost and the moil she lost! For the trifling things she banned Looked good to the man who didn’t see why (And now we know he couldn’t see why) And could not understand. But the fool was too busy to curl her hair (Even as you and I), And the husband eloped with a lady fair, In a Paquin gown that she knew how to wear; And the fool was left with her dustrag there. (Even as you and I.) I've got it!” And it wasn’t the shame—she wasn’t to blame— That she felt when the big brute fanned; She couldn’t see why he went away (She never will know till her dying day) And never could understand. —Anne Gardner, A Redeeming Feature «sP)AT MULE o’ mine,"’ confessed old Brother Bulginback, ‘‘ain’t much to look at, and, as a mattuh o’ fact, sah, de varmint am dess as no ‘count as he looks. He’s a contaminated scoun’el, any way yo’ ’proaches him. He’s got a bad eye, a hitch in his git-along, and a dispo- sition like one o’ dese yuh white cuhnels wid de dyspepsy. He kicks—lammed me th’oo de side o’ de shed dis mawnin’—and once in a while he nips a cbunk out o’ muh pussonality. But he didn’t cost no great sum, he’ll eat anything dat’s set befo’ him, and den, bless goodness! he don’t break down or blow up ‘way out in de country and ’pel me to hire a autymo- bile to drag him back to town. Uh-yaw! haw! haw!’* : Society Gossip Percy Plentyplunks—I hear strange sto- ties about how Betty treats her husband. Marigold Malaprop—Yes; they say she kisses him in the parlor and kicks him in the basement. FOOLED AGAIN Reuben Bird—Wa-al, I swan! thet 's another o’ them city "here more ’n an hour t’ see thet foun- tain play! comicbooks.com