Judge, 1914-01-03 · page 9 of 24
Judge — January 3, 1914 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from Judge contains several automobile-themed satirical pieces typical of the early 20th century, when cars were still novel luxuries. **"Two Miles from Home"** depicts a married couple in an early motorcar. The humor centers on the husband's anxiety: while his wife shops, he must keep the engine running to stay warm, and he's worried about depleting his ten-gallon fuel tank—highlighting both the inefficiency and expense of early automobiles. **"As Usual"** mocks a young man (Gussie) who purchases a flashy red automobile but must mortgage everything to afford it. The satirical point: he immediately crashes it into a trolley car, destroying the vehicle while injuring himself. The poem's closing suggests cars are status symbols that bankrupt their owners while providing only dangerous "joy rides." The remaining brief jokes continue this theme: automobiles are expensive, unreliable, and attract social climbers. The satire targets both the impracticality of early cars and the vanity of owners who sacrifice financial security for conspicuous consumption and modern status.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
— i sz TWO MILES FROM HOME Rosalind—Now, dear, wait here a minute while I go into Madam Dupe's and select a hat Hubert—A minute, ch? Well, it's very cold, I've got to keep my engine running, you know, and there's only ten gallons of gasoline. stead o’ sense. So, rather than worry over the thing any more, we'll let you-all off. It’s nearly dinnertime now. I runa hotel "cross the way, and’’—— Sure they would! They were as hungry as bears! Besides, they were all feeling good over the decision. The Morning Glory Inn was a nice place, large, cool and comfortable. The dining-room was spa- ‘cious, and there were several cozy tables near the veranda, with flowers and fruit upon them. It was a cheerful party that sat at them as the guests of Landlord Jones, now that his official mantle was off, and he was all smiles and good-humor, as became the master of a good inn. They chaffed him about his court, his long, lank constable and the homespun witnesses. Dinner over, Mr. Swifty laid four shin- ing dollars on the little counter in the office. “It’s two dollars and a quarter apiece,”’ informed Landlord Jones. Mr. Swifty’s pleasant smiles changed to frowns. “What do you mean?”’ he demanded. “Your sign in front of the door says, ‘Good meals, fifty cents, seventy-five cents and one dollar.’ '’ “Well, ain’t that two and a quarter?” and Mr. Jones eyed his guest innocently. From somewhere or other Ike the con- stable dropped down and stocd idly by, fingering a big club. The law was ready to manifest itself. Mr. Swifty did some rapid mental calculating, and his face cleared again. see,’’ and he produced the balance. “If the Supreme Court's goin’ to take the town sign just as it’s writ,’’ ex- plained the landlord, ‘‘I thought it might’s Il look at mine the same way. Thank- ee. Call again next time you're passin’. Sticking to Facts Waverly—I'll bet a cookie the bride wasn’t pretty. Marcella—Why do you think that? Waverly—Because newspaper accounts of the wedding put so much stress on her fine character and sweet disposition. LeFELLOWS* As Usual GUSSIE got a gorgeous auto Mobile, painted shining red; Then, of course, he went and bought a Cap and goggles for his head. When he started with his motor Car, his heart was light and glad, Though he'd had to give his note or Mortgage everything he had. Oh, that joy ride! It was jolly! Like an arrow, on he sped; But the auto struck a trolley Car and hurt poor Gussie’s head. And it smashed his arm and collar Bone and caused an awful mess: Broken auto—worth a dollar; Gussie broke—worth something less. —John E. Dolsen. Explained “‘He’s always tinkering with his auto.’’ “Naturally. He's a vivisectionist.’’ A man never realizes his popularity un- til he becomes owner of a 60-6 touring car. comicbooks.com