Judge — December 13, 1913 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Primer of Proposal 'NGAGEMENT—A pre-nuptial con- tract, executed upon a sofa, unwit- nessed, sealed with kisses and attested by a ring. Old Man—The director of home affairs, who puts either a seal or a heel to the engagement. “Yes''—A life sentence. ***No’’—A phrase from the eternal fem- inine eventually meaning ‘‘Yes.”” Diamond—The winning trick in a heart suit. Dot—The value of a duke, international measure; a wad or gob thrown in by a magnate for good measure when giving his daughter away at an international wedding. Prospects—The answer to ‘‘Whatcher goin’to do when the rent comes round?’ Fiance—A_ life-sentence prisoner on parole. Boot Heel.-A six-inch projectile used by the parental home guard in repelling heart besiegers. “Forever’’—A love term’ signifying “Until the first quarrel.’’ Intentions—What a five-dollar-a-week soda-fountain clerk would have if he could afford 'em. Ring Finger—A bit of femininity en- tirely surrounded by promise. —Stuart B. Stone. Perfection Some flaw we find in all things here below. Keen disappointment haunts us as a rule. There’s nothing perfect in this world of woe, Except the person who's a perfect fool. “Heap Clazy” A gentleman in Vancouver, in passing a friend's house one pouring wet day, noticed their Chinaman, umbrella in one hand, hose in the other, carefully water- ing the garden. “Why, Fong,’’ he laughed, 's pelt- ing with rain! What are you doing that for?’ The’Chinaman looked up with a weary air of dignity. ‘‘Mrs. Grant, she go to Victoria. She say, ‘Fong, you water garden every day till I come home.’ I think she heap clayzy. Fame is won by legitimate effort. No- toriety can usually be traced to the press U Soeur ecmcinbte me EARN OY eCRAE CNA ETAT HEROES, ALIVE AND DEAD Feminine Subtlety TWAS said, of all created things, That women were most subtle, And only lately Fashion brings A witness in rebuttal. To wit, the present clothes they wear, In which we daily view them And prove, though once so subtly fair, The stupidest see through them. —W. J. Lampton. Literally Mule. Violetta (a New York milliner, to customer just back from Europe)—Mong doo! Far be it from me to knock, Mrs. Roxton, but did they really turn out that hat in Paris? Mrs, Roxton—They did, kiddo; but it was trimmed by a New York customs in- spector. A Foreigner’s Perplexity If a man has power, he’s empowered, they say, In this queer United States speech; But give him a pear and he isn’t impaired, Nor impeached if you give him a peach. Borrowed Plumage “John, what do you mean by kissing the parlor maid?” “‘My dear, it was a perfectly natural mistake. She had on your gown, your complexion powder and your false hair.’’ A Boston Baby ‘ «WALdo, this treatise has some very interesting stuff about the wel- fare of babies."’ “Call the baby’s attention to it,”’ said Mr. Backbay absently. It Often Happens The rich man in his years of toil Burned barrels and barrels of midnight oil; His heirs now keep his memory green By burning midnight gasoline. Hinton Gilmore. Inherited Talent Mrs. Shimmerpate—Count Confetti seems to be an expert at cranking auto- mobiles. Mr. Shimmerpate— No wonder. I'll bet most of his ancestors were organ grinders. The Reason It is pretty, and she knows it; That is why her skirt is slit. Every dainty movement shows it— It is pretty, and she knows it! Fashion sanctions. Why oppose it? For she never cares a bit. It is pretty, and she knows That is why her skirt is sli’ Stokely S. Fisher. It is Imitation is the sincerest flattery. likewise felony and forgery. comicbooks.com