Judge — November 15, 1913 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Difference in Time NEVER tried to make a touch, But that the friend was sure to say, “I'm broke to-day, but I was flush And could have stacked you yesterday.’ I never loaned a friend a five, But that the man who came to borrow Was broke to-day, but he was sure That he would have a roll to-morrow. —Hintan Gilmore. A Poser “Dog my cats if I ain’t in danger of nervous prosteration!’’ said old Dave Peevy to Si Snodgrass. “‘What’s up now?” “Nothin’ that’s any concern 0’ mine in partickler, but—you know my brother Bill that visited me last summer? Well, I got a letter from him to-day, an’ if he ain’t up an’ married his fust wife’s sis- ter, an’ his son Tom has married her daughter, an’ his daughter Belle has mar- ried his wife’s half-brother, an’ her sis- ter has married a nephew o’ Bill's who is a double cousin o’ Bill’s fust wife. His new wife’s mother was already married to Bill’s uncle, an’ what relation Bill is to hisself is what gits me. I been tryin’ to figger it out until my mind is in a merry-go-round sort of a whirl, an’ I Let’s go have a glass o’ sody an’ see if that will clear my mind any. Come on."” —M. WwW. The Fastidious Actress A YOUNG poet of moderate renown, lately arrived on our shores, had been reading some Sunday-supplement stuff about the vagaries of a popular actress. It seems that if the lady found a roller towel in her dressing-room, in any theater on the route, her contract became automatically canceled. If a black poodle crossed her path on the way to the theater, she did no dancing that night, and the management forfeited $457. No patrons permitted in the audi- ence smelling of mignonette. Should the fastidious fairy get a whiff of mignon- ette, no performance. “Why, this is simply delicious!'’ de- clared the poet. ‘I shall crave an audi- ence of this whimsical sprite. I simply must have an interview!"’ An audience was not hard to arrange. A day or two later he sat in conversation with the divinity. “T can understand your attitude toward roller towels,”’ he averred. ‘*What place has a roller towel in the life of a beauti- ful woman?” She smiled languidly. “And it is really true that there is a clause in your contract about black poodles?” “Uh huh.’” “Delightful! What of mignonette? Do you really swoon when you detect that odor?”’ THE OCTOPUS, SUBURBAN VARIETY “Hardly, Percy,” replied the beauti- ful one. ‘‘I was born next door to a glue factory.” “I don’t understand,” faltered the poet. “About that contract? Aw, my press agent thinks it’s good advertising; but I dunno.’’ She called to her maid. “‘Lizette!’” “Oui, madam.”’ 71 ‘How about that limburger sandwich I told you to git TORN. me?’ LAWwy Then the poet évaporated. —William 8. Adkine. PRIVAT The Silent Singer I cannot sing the old songs; The young folks might ob- ject. I cannot sing the new songs And keep my self-respect. —Chartes A. Leedy. Good Form “Do you think it good form for a girl in a slit skirt to walk upstairs like that?" asked one. “Teall that very good form,” replied the other—looking again. On the Job Commute—What’s the mat- ter? Has the cook left? Mrs.C.—No; she refuses to, EVIDENCE Client—Now all I'm telling you is just the plain truth—the rest you ‘ll have to fill in yourself, Imagination often carries us as far into the realms of the improbable as the real ‘‘pipe.’’ comicbooks.com