Judge, 1913-11-01 · page 5 of 24
Judge — November 1, 1913 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains a short story titled "Keeping It Quiet" by Charles Campbell Jones, illustrated with a sketch of a man and woman in conversation outdoors. The narrative concerns a man named Farmington who discovers he's gained significant weight despite eating only half his usual food. A doctor visits and encounters Farmington on a country road—apparently the "uninvited guest" of the title. The story involves Miss Priscilla Slowbelt, who pursues Farmington romantically despite his efforts to discourage her attention. The humor derives from social embarrassment and romantic entanglement rather than political satire. The accompanying cartoon (captioned "CANDOR") appears unrelated—it depicts travelers discussing whether a town has a hotel. The page is primarily literary content rather than political commentary typical of Judge magazine's satirical focus.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
FARMINGTON tried not to believe it when he found that, in spite of his more than heroic efforts to eat only half as much as usual, his weight had increased an- other five pounds. He was a sensitive person at the best, and, while his width nearly matched his height, he was never heard to men- tion fat. He did not want to be the living wonder of Suburbville; he wanted to stay thin, or, rather, to get thin, and thenstayso. He had a deep-seated horror of notoriety of any description; he did not like to tell others of his increasing pre- dicament, he had no desire to show them, nor to have them poking fun at his efforts to combat his affliction, So he resolved that something must be done in secret. One morning Dr. Dosem, coming home from an all-night session with Grandma Parkley, met a man in sweater and trou- sers along the dim road. The runner moved with elephantine deliberation, but he seemed to have a purpose. There was something elemental and inevitable about that figure. Dr. Dosem was a charitable man; he did not strive to penetrate the THE UNINVITED GUEST UU Keeping It Quiet By CHARLES CAMPBELL JONES SVanevvcccenvnonnecvnnennnuccenveccensnacevaci eee eieenieanntE disguise of the low-pulled cap, and what he suspected he kept to himself. Two weeks later Miss Priscilla Slow- girl had occasion to catch the five-fifteen a, m. train to town. She lived a mile out from the limits of Suburbville, and she drove along the road about daybreak. When she arrived at the station, her whip was worn to a frazzle, the fat-backed old gray plug she always drove was a-sweat and a-quiver, with heaving sides, and Miss Priscilla herself was by turns tensely dumb and hysterically voluble. She re- lated to a select audience how a man had pursued her, in spite of the best efforts of the gray, maintaining his position about two hundred and fifty feet back of the buggy. She described the person as a great, ruffianly oaf, in an old sweater and a low-pulled, villainous cap. She was quite sure that she had just escaped with her life. Again, not a week after the flurry of Miss Priscilla’s experience had subsided, Grandpap Crupton, taking the daylight air on his son's front gallery, perceived a figure that tallied exactly with Miss Visitor—Does this town boast of a hotel ? Native—No , it apologizes for it, comicbooks.com