Judge — September 13, 1913 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Cave Man HE Cave Man must have been a mutt Say those who've conned his occiput. > Bewhiskered, hairy and uncouth, He was a sorry sight in sooth. Whenever he felt need of grub . He sallied for it with a club, And when he'd got it, tooth and paw = Reduced it while he wolfed it raw. If mate he wanted, forth he'd fare And drag a sel by the hair; While if a rival he should meet He'd methods use now obsolete. The things that make life happy here He never knew—and yet I fear The Cave Man, were he with us now, Some of our ways would disavow. He never knew of fancy booze, Or safety razors, or tight shoes, Although his hair may have been greased, He did not have his trousers creased, When Summer on its job was bent, He loafed and dreamed and naked went; In Winter he thought not of coal, But hibernated in his hole. No modish clothes or social ways Brought worried nights or weary days No market tape or politics, Or book purveyors, or gold bricks His mind disturbed, or worry that He needed massage for his fat. He did not twist his neck awry To glimpse a slit skirt passing by: He surely lacked some things of worth— But then the Cave Man had the earth! J. A. Waldron, The fall in the price of ice and the rise in the price of coal evens things up. GOOD ENGLI He Saved the Day ONE OF the best known criminal lawyers of Topeka, Kansas, some months ago was called to de- fend a Swede accused of murder. The case was tried at Council Grove. The county attorney was no match for Waters as a law- yer, but he was a game little cock, and hehad all the evidence and facts on his side. Things looked pretty bad for the defendant. Waters, however, was not discouraged. He was an adept at turn- ing on the water- works. He had never yet failed to impress a jury by his pathetic appeals for mercy, and on this occasion he did his very best. His highly colored and emotional address was having its effect on the jurors, as evi- denced by the expression on their faces. Pretty well toward the close of the speech, attention was drawn for a moment from the orator by the actions of the county attorney. He had taken off his shoes and was rolling up his trousers. “What are you doing?’’ demanded the Judge. “Your honor,”’ replied the little man calmly, ‘‘I am getting ready to wade out.’” Everybody saw the point and the laugh ya | SH? Her husband—Say, Lillie, isn't that light awful dark in there? HIS MISTAKE Mrs, Enright—Sbe says small checks will be in fashion for new fall suits. Mr, Enright—Thank heavens! which followed turned the heart-stirring appeal into a burlesque, and a conviction followed, Smashing the Record ‘ «GHE broke the trotting record,” Said he, ‘‘all clean and slick. “Say, talk about your steppers! She made the rest look sick.’’ “‘What horse was that?’’ I asked him. “My daughter 'twas,”’ said he. “She broke the record lately For the turkey trot, did she.’” —Walter G. Doty. An Affecting Plea “My Plea,” said the proud young lawyer, ‘‘seemed to deeply affect the jury.” “Yes,"’ replied the judge, ‘“‘I was afraid at one time that you would bring about the conviction of your client in spite of his innocence."” Her Pet Aversion Sarah—The Bible speaks of people who strain at a gnat and swallow a camel. Clara—Well, I think I'd rather swallow acamel myself. I just hate bugs. Lovely Woman While styles have changed, by fashion led, She's still a theme for jest, Although in truth it must be said She’s no more overdressed. Sad, Isn’t It? Slow fare the fair to hastening ills a prey, Who see their frocks grow tighter day by day. comicbooks.com