Judge, 1913-07-19 · page 6 of 24
Judge — July 19, 1913 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
**Main Feature: "Capitalizing Chloe"** A poet monetizes romantic verses about a woman named Chloe by selling them to publications, then using the payment to settle debts with tradespeople (grocer, dairyman, baker, butcher, iceman). The satire mocks both literary sentimentality and commercial exploitation—the poet cynically transforms flowery praise of Chloe's physical features (eyes, mouth, brow, neck, arm) into literal currency, reducing her to a collection of commodities. The joke ridicules: (1) overwrought Victorian romantic poetry, (2) editors' willingness to publish such verse, and (3) the poet's shameless scheme to turn flattery into cash. **Smaller Pieces:** Additional brief satirical items address courtship strategies, vacation planning, and opportunity—typical Judge humor targeting contemporary social conventions and human foibles. The page exemplifies Judge's characteristic blend of literary parody and social commentary aimed at educated, urban readers.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“THE LION AND THE MOUSE" Capitalizing Chloe WROTE a sonnet to her eyes; I called them ‘wells of sweet sur. prise.’” I said they were the bluest eyes The bluest and the truest eyes ‘That ever maid possessed. I said—but what's the use? You know The sort of rot I wrote, and so I needn’t quote the rest. Suffice to state some editor Accepted—yes, and paid me for That rhyme of rhapsodies, And so I went with right good-will And settled up the grocer’s bill With **Chloe’s Eyes."" | wrote a ballad to her mouth; 1 called it ‘flower of the south.’* I said it was the dearest mouth, The dearest and sincerest mouth ‘That ever shaped a smile. I said, in Love's complete eclipse, I longed to plunge her perfect li And raved along this style. (I had to stretch her mouth until The stanzas matched the milkman’s bill, Who threatened bovine drouth.) . No sooner was it published than I reimbursed the dairyman Through ‘*Chloe’s Mouth,”’ Oh, Chloe is a wondrous maid! The baker and the cook were paid From proceeds of the fairest brow, The fairest and the rarest brow That ever graced a girl. The butcher bandit got a check I minted from her snowy neck, Augmented by a curl. I paid the iceman with her arm And tipped a waiter with a charm That phrased a rhythmic line. Ah, Chloe's all the world to m More of a mine she could not be If she were mine!—Et/a Kentiey Arthur. From the stone age to the iron age is a long ery, but the gar-age is more talked of. Taking No Chances “The last time he ‘5 «ePOPSY, dear, I might win a rich hus- Went to see her, he P band {f you Int me go to thosea- Saked her if she had shore this summer." Phe; eartoon-collect- “But, my daughter, you have been go- ME mania. th ing toadifferent place each year. Re- yrong iotate? member, a rolling stone gathers nomoss.” Tut dit intend “I know, popsy; but this time Lam 34. inthe h : going to a place where I will be the only iw; Dot be happened pebble on the beach."? to be looking at the family photograph Choosing the Place album at the time.’” To wade through pamphlets without end * Is now his occupation, Certainly Had While searching for the place to spend Hewitt — Opportu- y His two weeks of vacation. nity knocks once at . : . every man's door. * R : wih An Itl-timed Query JeweresAvd it wn 7i) “Ravenyelp doesn’t call on that Rox- ought to have enough LETS HIM OUT more girl any more."” sense to ring the Farmer—Sa: " ~ ° or e ve r—Say, can't you read? Boy—Sure. How did they happen to fall out? bell. Farmer-—Well, do ye see that sign? Loy—Yep, but I can't swim. <aatt ony een comicbooks.com