Judge — May 24, 1913 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WELCOMING 2 OUR -FUN WORLD * =GO=BY ” By HOMER “RF The King Who Struggled Along with 800 Wives A PROFESSOR at the University of Pennsylvania has just discovered how one of the old Egyptian kings tried to cut down the cost of living. This monarch rejoiced in the name of Ha-Em- Hab. When Ha-Em-Hab (it sounds as though it came in bottles, doesn’t it?) took up the scepter, 4,000 years ago, he found that money was tight in his kingdom. _ eu =i “q7B CAN IMAGINE HOW HA-EM-HAB MUST HAVE FELT.” He decided to make a supreme sacrifice by giving up the thing nearest his heart. In fact, he gave up 800 of them. He had 1,600 wives, but, in a moment of ex- altation and supreme self-denial, he gave up half of them. We can imagine how Ha-Em-Hab must have felt the first few weeks he tried to squeeze along on 800 wives. When he came home at night, tired and worn out from the day’s demands on the throne, expecting a mass meeting of wives to welcome him at the front door, smooth his hair and kiss him lightly on the fore- head, how the poor man must have felt when only 800 lights of his life gathered on the lawn to pat his cheek and ask him if he had had a hard day of it! How dismal it must have felt to have only a hundred of them telling him what the iceman had said, a couple of hundred explaining how the woman across the dumb waiter had acted, the mean thing! and a hundred more waiting for some money to run down to the corner to pay the man for the veal loaf! We can see in our mind’s eye the forlorn expression on the king’s face when only a dozen wives came running out with his carpet slippers, and only eight or ten loving and true helpmeets held matches to his even- ing pipe. When he looked down the thin, strag- gling line of only 800 waiting to take their turn at resting on his knee fora moment, great tears must have welled up in his eyes; and when one of his better halves questioned him as to why there was not mirth and joy in his heart, how he must have felt to look her in the eye and tell her that he was radiantly happy, when all the time grief for 800 departed wives was eating his heart out! The poor man must-have wandered from room to room, lonely as a daffodil, a yearning in his heart for the vanished hands that nothing could fill. Ourheart goes out to the lonely monarch of old, as we picture him wandering, wandering, wandering from one empty room to another, sometimes stopping to shed a tear before Angeline’s picture, or kissing an old letter from Irene, or touching his lips ever, ever so gently to the faded violet he had gathered in the dell with Caroline —or was it with Abigail, or Henrietta, or Carolotta, or possibly with Sophie? Jealousy ENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S wife was a poor speller. She spelled acceptable “exceptabell,’’ as shown in some of her autograph letters just brought to light. Our experience along that line is that it doesn’t make much difference how a girl spells— if she writes often enough. A girl can spell dog with two g's when she writes to us, if she will only say in her letter that she has quit letting him hang around with his new ma- chine. It will be exceptable to us. A College Chair of Humor 'OMES the tidings that Harvard is to have a chair of wit and humor next year. Three English professors have al- ready been mentioned for the place. The students will be given practical instruction in humor. One of the text- books will be ‘‘The Jokes and How To Know Them.’’ The professor will read off a joke and call on the brightest minds Uf] ys | in the class to tell whether or not it is funny. He will begin with some of the old standards and gradually work up to the 1913 models. He will probably begin with this old favorite: Wilson—Who was that lady I saw you walking down the street with yesterday? Gilson—That wasn’t a lady—that was my wife. This is probably the oldest joke in point of service of any joke inthe union. It is still playing to capacity houses and was popular when the neighbors laughed at Noah for thinking it was going to rain. The Cambridge students will be taught how to doctor this up, put on a pannier, a pair of scallops, a mousseline plisse, tunic and a liberal sprinkling of boleros, ratines and poplins, and sell it as new. The new professor will teach the stu- dents how to take the old joke about the billygoat eating up all the tin cans, the one about the cannibal doing the same to all the missionaries, and the boarder re- fusing to do likewise to the hash, and make a comic opera out of them. The wife going through her husband's pockets will. appear in book form, and the new design mother-in-law joke will be a scream. What the parrot said to the preacher will be sent broadcast on the phonograph records, and the darky running from the graveyard will be shown on a two- “2B WILL BEGIN WITH SOME OP THE OLD STANDARDS.” reel film with a kinetophone attachment. When a graduate tells a funny story, you can laugh with perfect assurance, even though you don’t get the point, for you will know that the joke is certified. The ~ correspondence course is open to every- body. Pasteurized jokes with a college education are the coming humor. Have your humor Harvardized and see that the seal is unbroken—double trading stamps Mondays and Saturday mornings. comicbooks.com