Judge — February 15, 1913 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PRESERVING THE UNITIES. Man—' Say, what's the matter with this train ?"" Con—" Coupling broke."* Man—' Where are we, anyway ?"* Con—"' Near Reno, Nevada." A Transfer. 66 A MONG the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took up mission work on the East Side,’’ says a New York young woman, “was one to clean out which would have called forth the best efforts of the reno- vator of the Augean stubles. And the families in this tenement were almost as hopeless as the tenement itself “On one occasion I felt distinctly en- couraged, however, since I observed that the face of one youngster was actually clean. ‘William,’ said I, ‘your face is fairly but how did you get such dirty hands? ***Washin’ me face,’ said William.”” Truly an Optimist! Old Ebenezer Ephraim Brown's The cheerfulest man I know. He says he thinks the world’s all right— Consid’rin’ how things go! A Nautical Point of View. The captain of a certain Connecticut River schooner, though now more than eighty years of age, is nevertheless hale and hearty, with a resonant, stentorian, jovial voice—a sort of ‘‘Ship ahoy!”’ style that gives warning that the veteran sea dog is rolling up the street even when he is three blocks away. The captain has been ‘‘running’’ a river schooner ever since he was a boy. These schooners are usually towed up and down the river from the Sound by a tug, and as the tug some- times takes the schooner for even longer distances, the captain thinks and talks mostly in terms of tug and schooner. Re- cently, while going from the dock to his home, he overtook a maiden lady of some- what advanced years, whose corset string had become loose and was dragging on the ground. She being a well-known neighbor, the captain attempted todo her a kindness as soon as he saw that she was ignorant of the catastrophe. He began when she was several rods ahead of him, and he did it in the same tones in which he would hail a vessel near the horizon of the Sound: “T say, ol’ gal, yer towline’s adrift!” As She Is Spoken. Bonehead—Jones tried to make an ex- temporaneous speech at the banquet last night and blew up. He completely fell down on it. Marbletop—I see; spontaneous combus- tion, eh? A Reassuring Garb. Pat O'Leary had not led a strictly un- blemished career during his early life—a fact rather lacking in solace for him as he lay on his sick-bed at the point of death. For a period of several hours, which were confidently expected by the sorrowing family circle to prove his last, Pat lay in an unconscious stupor. During this interval, in a strange and beautiful vision, he beheld the approach of a former friend, long since deceased. “Come, Pat,’’ beckoned the visitor. ‘Yer time has come. It’s back with me ye must be goin’.”” “‘And shure,’’ said Pat, detailing the incident to a group of friends at McNee- ley’s bar a few weeks later, following a marvelously rapid recovery, ‘Oi wor delighted to notice that he wore furs.’’ Edward A. Barney. Overruled. At a Democratic caucus in a Western State—it was a long time ago and all those Democrats are dead—some one made a motion not in har- mony with the opinions of the presiding officer. That worthy gentleman was nonplused for a moment, but instantly recovered himself. “The motion requires a two-thirds vote,’’ he said, “and the chair decides that that many are not here."’ Not Legal Offenses. Breaking into—society. Picking—your way. Stealing—hearts. Coining—money. Killing—time. Murdering—a part. Cutting—capers. Striking—a balance. Forging—ahead. Burning—daylight. Getting drunk—with ap- plause. Smuggling—billets-doux. Smashing—the record. Poaching—eggs. Trespassing—on our good nature, Shooting—the chutes. - Cheating—the doctors. MODERN Taking—offense. EXCLAMATION, Converting—the heathen. Beating—time. 4B. Morrweed. The mantle of charity has been worn threadbare in the sin-covering business. THE WOMAN IN THE CASE. comicbooks.com