Judge — December 21, 1912 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Passing the Mustard. Poor Old Father. (Sentiments of a Sophomore.) Poor old ‘father never had a college education, He never scored a touchdown and he never kicked a goal; Poor old father never won a wild crowd’s approbation, The praise of cheering thousands never thrilled him to the soul. Alas for poor old dad! What a sad life he has had! He has never won distinction by his vaulting with a pule. Poor old father never joined a Beta or a Sigma, He had to earn his living at a very tender age; He never hazed a freshman and es- caped without a stigma, Nor with a glee club ever set his foot on any stage. He has wasted all his days Plodding in prosaic ways, And his name was never printed large on any sporting page. Poor old father never had a chance to be a hero, He never won approval from the captain of his team. All his triumphs have amounted to a poor and simple zero, His life was never brightened by a solitary gleam. Poor old chap! He never bowed To a howling, whooping crowd! He has never guessed what glad- ness comes to one who is su- preme. Poor old father! All his life has been inconsequential ; He never did a thing to cause an eager mob to shout. He never had the knowledge that his presence was essential To keep dear alma mater’s hopes from going up the spout. Poor old patient, plodding wight! I must write to him to-night, For I find that my allowance has already petered out. —Chicago Record-Herald, Expressive Idiom.—‘*Do you know any French?”’ “Yes; I can shrug my shoulders.”’ —Boston Transcript. Nothing of the Sort.—*‘Did the men Yo shootin’; just wrote mean let- —Baltimore American. Proof.—‘‘Love letters have a finan- cial value when it comes to damage suits.’’ “Why shouldn’t they? Aren't they promissory notes?’’—Baltimore American, The Artistic Spirit.—‘‘What we need,’’ said the idealist, ‘‘is to intro- duce more of the artistic spirit into our daily lives.’’ “Tcan't see it that way,’’ replied Farmer Corntossel. ‘‘There’s too OUT OF BONDAGE. “Get this—you men who smoke pipes and suffer with burnt tongues: Switch on to the right track for real joy—via Prince Albert, the one best bet ever put across in any language! “Here's tobacco that won't burn your tongue, because the sting’s been cut out by a patented process. Just leaves the sweet, fresh, cool smoke to give you genuine pipe happiness. “To any man who thinks he can’t smoke a pipe, I say he can, and he will, if he smokes Prince Albert. It's a tip that’s gone all over the nation. Buy it everywhere in the toppy Sc bags and 10c tidy red tins. Just the bulliest cigarette you ever rolled, too!’’ much art now. I never could see the Danger in Bed.—Shimmerpate—“‘A sense of usin’ up so much red ink tryin’ to make a mortgage look at- tractive.’’— Washington Star. The Lacking Factor.—Harriet was a very precocious little girl. One evening a friend of the family was asking her some questions in mental arithmetic. ‘*How old would a person be who was born in 1872?"" he asked. Harriet thought for a moment, then, ‘‘Was the person a man or a woman?"’—Sunday Magazine. noted expert on matter pertaining to the health claims that there is great danger in sleeping too much on ac- count of a clogging of the pulmonary circulation.”” Hemmandhaw—‘‘Let me see that article, will you? Shimmer pate—‘‘Here it is. Take it along if you like.’ Hemmandhaw—‘‘Thanks! 1 want to show it to my wife, then perhaps she will get up in the morning in time to get my breakfast.'’’— Youngs town Telegram. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. comicbooks.com