Judge, 1912-12-07 · page 14 of 44
Judge — December 7, 1912 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
**"The Foreign Count"** satirizes gold-digger marriages: a European aristocrat arriving in America has no taxable possessions to declare except his desire to marry wealthy American heiresses—mocking both the fortune-hunting foreigner and the wealthy families' social-climbing desperation. **"In Keeping"** ridicules class pretension: a bank vice president insists his apartment must match his social status, while the janitor sarcastically suggests "plenty of hot air" suffices—commentary on wealthy people's hollow status-consciousness. **"Unfathomable Children"** (the longest piece) humorously laments that expensive toys bore children, who prefer imaginary play with household items—a timeless observation about childhood that parents still recognize. **"A New Cult"** makes a gentle joke about "Christmas Scientists" (likely referencing Christian Science), showing a child conflating Santa Claus with religious faith. **"Putting It To Use"** suggests repurposing old hats as waste baskets for gift-giving to broke literary friends—Depression-era thriftiness disguised as generosity. The page emphasizes class anxiety, consumerism, and generational values typical of early 20th-century American satire.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
The Foreign Count. ‘0 THE customs officials he has nothing to swear On arrival from over the waters, For the only thing that he has to declare Is his love for our millionaires’ daughters. Tyas —_—$—_——— IN KEEPING. be tenant—" Of course, you see Being vice-president of the Wow how it Swell Street Bank and a leading member of the Uppercrust Club, 1 must have an apartinent in keeping with the dignity of my position.” Janitor —* Certainly. You want an apartment with plenty of hot air.” Make a Note of It. Success consists in working for the thing you want and getting it. And nothing succeeds like trying. True. Even a physician who is not famous has many a monument erected to his memory. Striking a Balance. By charging the presents you do not receive against those you have neglected to send, you will probably strike a balance in your favor. THE ANNUAL Unfathomable Children. By STRICKLAND GILLILAN We bought our boy a tricycle with big, pneumatic tires— The kind that, when ‘tis on display, each little lad admires. It’s backed off in the attic now, and he’s behind the door, Astride a smelly cheese box some one gave him at the store, While sister hugs a towel with a shoe- string for a waist— She’s put away her life-size doil! Such execrable taste! We gave our lad a love- ly horse, with real hair and all— The kind he once went wild about downtown in early fall. The horse is in acloset in the nursery, and son Is riding on a broom- stick, with a chair rung for a gun, While sister's left the baby cab she cried for so last spring, And hauls her old rag dolly in a thread box by a string. We bought our heir a handsome sword, with hilt and silken cord— He’s lost it and is playing with a piece of broken board He picked up somewhere in the street a day or two ago; And, though we had supplied him with a Humpty Dumpty show, He still prefers to sit astride a chair and make pretense A a ELIZA CURTIS — A NEW CULT. Christi—* Hey, there, kid, where ‘d_ you get all that Santa Claus stuff >” . Christobel—" Oh, I'm a Christmas Scientist. The chair’s a gilded chariot—how can he be so dense? We buy our children costly things; they thank us, and proceed To play with what they'd play with if their parents were in need! Putting It To Use. This is the season when a last year’s stove-pipe hat, suitably decor- ated with ribbons and rosettes, can secure a new leuse of life as a Christ- mas present fora literary friend in need of a waste basket. HOLDUP—“ MERRY CHRISTMAS, SIR!" comicbooks.com