Judge, 1912-10-05 · page 12 of 26
Judge — October 5, 1912 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several short satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century American humor: **"Still Pretending"** mocks children's play and automobile culture—Tommy pretends to be a car but uses "out of gasoline" as an excuse to avoid chores. **"A Modern Lullaby"** satirizes obsessive sanitization and scientific parenting trends of the era. The mother over-sterilizes everything, speaks in medical jargon, and forbids normal physical comfort (rocking), reflecting contemporary anxiety about germs and "scientific" child-rearing. **"Strong Combination"** jokes that Jones's savings ability comes from inherited talent—his father was a corrupt policeman and mother a chorus girl (implying both made illicit money). **"Diana's Futility on Broadway"** contrasts the moon goddess with electric city lights, lamenting that modern urban life has replaced nature worship with artificial spectacle. The remaining pieces are brief wordplay jokes about newspapers, mistaken identity, and social climbing—typical light fare for the magazine's miscellaneous humor section.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
STILL PRETENDING Mother— Tommy, if you 're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd run over to the store and get me some butter."* Tommy— all out of gasoline."’ A Modern Lullaby. ‘OUR milk is safely Pasteurized— Sleep, my little one! Your food has all been analyzed— Sleep, my pretty one! I cannot rock you, baby mine; It’s apt to jar your little spine. So you must lie composed, supine— By low! by low! I've boiled and germs— Sleep, my little one! T croon to you in doctors’ terms— Sleep, my pretty one! You're breathing antiseptic air, I've sterilized the clothes you wear, And disinfected everywhere— By low! by low! baked all prowling No goblin germ can catch you, dear— Sleep, my little one! Bacilli dare not enter here— Sleep, my pretty one! You're prophylactic head to toe, Hedged in by every rule I know; So now to germless slumbers go— By low! by low! Ella Bentley Arthur, Strong Combination. Knicker—‘‘ How does Jones man- age to save so much out of his salary?"’ Bocker—‘‘Inherited talent; his father was a policeman and his mother was a chorus girl."” “Tm awfully sorry, mother, but I'm What They Were. Little Bessie had been gazing ear- nestly at the waxed mustaches of her father’s friend. Suddenly she re- marked, ‘‘Why, my kitty has smellers, too!"* What Would Newspapers Do? If it were not for our mistakes, life would be pretty monotonous. FACING THE MUSIC, Diana’s Futility on Broadway. Diana, goddess of the moon, What chance have you to give your boon To Broadway, where the man-made light Outshines your glory every night? And how can heaven's stars compete With those on this skyscraping street? Oh, moon and sky and stars cast down! You get no worship in this town, And so must stay in fields apart, Away from powder, rouge and art. Charles Harding Divine, Worse Than That. “You intimate that he robs Peter to pay Paul?” “Dear man, it's worse than that! He robs Peter to pay Pau- line." The Climbers. Most of us try to win a name, Though doomed to wiser grow or sadder. Some try the dizzy heights of fame, While others storm the social ladder. Afterthoughts. A—-‘‘The best retorts are never uttered."" —**No?”” A—‘‘No; I think of ’em ten min- utes after the other fellow has gone home.’” Where there’s a will there 8 way to contest it. comicbooks.com