Judge — September 28, 1912 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Downtrodden. I WISHT I was a grown-up man, as big as brother Jim; He smokes cigars, goes out at nights, an’ does what pleases him. He's got a girl, an’ once a week they go down to the show. His job downtown is somethin’ swell; he makes a lot, I know. Pa says that Jim’s just like he was, an’ surely will advance; But better still than all them things, he wears Long Pants! I dassent let ‘em see me smoke; an’ once I did inhale, Ma mude me swaller castor ile because I looked so pale. An’ when my chum an’ me snuck out a giggin’ fish last week, Pa made me stay in bed all day fer fallin’ in the crick! They laughed because I fell in love. A kid ain't got no chance. Oh, gee! I wish ’at I was Jim an’ wore Long Pants! Herman Da Costa. Just Had To. “Married again! But she dis- tinctly said that her experience with the count would be her last."’ “T know; but she couldn’t afford a maid, and she just had to have some one to button her up the back and wash her dog.’’ Why ? Louise—'‘Why do you think the widow wants tomairy again?”’ Julia—She keeps her age dark and her hair light.’’ FRENCH PASTRY. Penalty for Looking Pleasant. “Mr. Forthyle Downe must be under fifty, yet see how wrinkled he is!’’ “Yes; a man can't be the most popu- lar floorwalker in town and go on crack- ing smiles eight hours a day for twenty years without more or less cracking his countenance.”’ Literally True. “*Say, Chimmie, wot’s a suffragette?"’ “‘A suffragette’s a woman who wants a chance to knock the stuffing out of the ballot box.”” Revised by a Banter. Whom the gods would destroy, they first make fat. EXAGGERATION. “* Say, waiter, take this egg out and wring its neck.’” He Was Dubious. A Boston woman, interested in mat- ters pertaining to prison reform, formed a member of an investigating commis- sion that visited a penal institution in Massachusetts. The heart of the Bos- ton woman was bursting with pity for the poor prisoners. She passed them one by one with a sympathetic air, and finally paused for a while in front of one poor chap listlessly sewing shoes. “Oh, my poor fellow,’’ said she, “isn’t it most monotonous doing that? Won't you be glad when your sentence has expired?” “Well, I dunno, mum,” answered the convict dolefully. ‘*Mine is a life sen- tence."’ Yes and No. “Anti, may I go out to vote?”’ “Yes, you darling soul; Dive in the world like any man, But don’t go near the poll.”” Significant. The second day drew to its close with the twelfth juryman still un- convinced. “Well, gentlemen,”’ said the bail- iff, entering quietly, ‘‘shall I, as usual, order twelve dinners?”’ Make it,’’ said the foreman, “‘eleven dinners and a bale of hay.’’ The Eternal Impulse. Fair suffragette—‘‘And now, if any one who has heard my speech wishes to ask a question, I shall be happy to answer.’’ Masculine voice (from rear of hall)—‘‘If you haven't any other company, may I see you home this evening?” Town talk—Slang. comicbooks.com