Judge, 1912-09-07 · page 15 of 24
Judge — September 7, 1912 — page 15: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two separate pieces of satirical advertising commentary: **"The Only Way"** is a poem mocking consumer culture and brand loyalty. It satirizes how Americans obsessively seek advertised brand names for everything—cigars, cars, cereal, soap—rather than making independent choices. The joke is that advertising has become the primary decision-making tool for modern consumers. **"He Will Never Do It Again"** is a short story satirizing a grocery clerk with an annoying habit of pushing inferior substitute brands on customers. When he visits his girlfriend Eleanor, her father—a customer he's offended with substitutes—punishes him by offering his own "substitute": Eleanor's homely spinster sister Arabelle instead. The ironic comeuppance: the clerk, accustomed to accepting substitutes professionally, cannot refuse this personal one. The cartoon illustrations (including "Mrs. Winchester's Automatic Rifle") visually reinforce the substitute theme. Together, these pieces critique both aggressive advertising and the social pressure to accept inferior alternatives.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
HE GETS THE EDUCATOR SHOE. The Only Way. OU SMOKE your favorite cigar, or pipe, or cigarette; You ride a special motor car in weather dry or wet. You eat some toasted grain or flakes, or use a special flour, And wash with soap an expert makes, and drink as suits the hour. You shave with razors keen of edge, and hunt with standard guns, And with eash registers you your men as honest ones. If you chew gum, you know the kind that always suits you best, And if you travel you've in mind the roads that stand the test. pledge You never buy a thing you need by guess or in the dark; You scan the ‘‘ads’’ quite close, indeed, for this or that trade mark. And those who have good things to show, if on your cash intent, Will find stocks going mighty slow with- out advertisement. MRS. WINCHESTER'S AUTOMATIC RIFLE. He Will Never Do It Again. By DONALD A. KAN NE TIME there was a young gro- cer’s clerk. Otherwise, excepting one thing, he was altogether a very likeable and decent young chap. The other thing was that he had the bad habit of always offering his customers substitutes. If they called for ‘‘Bink’s’’ soap, he suggested that they purchase “Bank’s,’’ the latter being ‘‘just as good.’’ If they wanted ‘‘Zelzor’’ rolled oats, he offered them ‘‘Excelsior,”’ de- claring that one brand was on a par with the other. Now this young grocer’s clerk, even though he was a grocer’s clerk, and de- spite his pernicious habit, had a heart. And this heart of his told him that he loved Eleanor Ellsworth, a very beauti- ful and exceedingly estimable young lady, well advertised in the society col- umns. So Wednesday evening, after his day’s work was over, he donned his holiday duds and sallied forth to pay his re- spects to the young lady. It also happened to be the maid's night out, and the grocer’s clerk was met by the adored one’s father. He asked for Eleanor. Mr. Ellsworth traded at the grocery where the clerk worked, and the young man had often offered Mr. Ells- worth substitutes — which the old man resented. “She is not at home,’’ stated Mr. Ellsworth. ‘‘Eleanor is out this even- ing. But I have something just as good. You have never met Arabelle?’’ The grocer’s clerk said he had never. And it was truth. If he had met Ara- belle, he should have beaten it promptly. But the habit of substitutes was in- oculated into his very system. “*I'll introduce you to Arabelle,’’ said Mr. Ellsworth. ‘‘She’ll be glad to have you spend the evening with her. She’s lonesome to-night. Wait. I'll fetch her."* He fetched her. Arabelle was over- joyed. Not so with the grocer’s clerk. Arabelle was Mr. Ellsworth's spinster sister. Hereafter the young grocer’s clerk will not accept and, it is hoped, will not offer substitutes. CAMPBELL'S SUPES. comicbooks.com