Judge, 1912-08-24 · page 8 of 24
Judge — August 24, 1912 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This Judge magazine page contains satirical advice and humor targeting turn-of-the-century American attitudes. **"Oh, Ye Pessimists!"** is a mock-earnest essay that sardonically responds to life's disappointments by insisting readers find silver linings. It employs exaggerated logic—if a girl rejects you, at least there are other fish; if it rains, the team might have lost anyway. The cumulative effect ridicules both pessimism *and* forced optimism, suggesting the author views this relentless positivity as naive or delusional. **The other items** are period advertising and jokes: a "Hats" advertisement emphasizing extravagant millinery trends; and a brief comic exchange ("On the Quiet") where someone purchases chloroform "on the quiet" to start a "Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pianos"—likely mocking both amateur musicians and earnest reformist societies. The "Reply Not Recorded" vignette appears to mock food price inflation, with a customer incredulous at veal costs. Overall, the page satirizes American materialism, romantic naiveté, fashion excess, and social reform movements through gentle mockery.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
acd ED wi i = . THE SEED OF AMBITION. Oh, Ye Pessimists! F A GIRL refuses you, don’t say all women are faithless and designing. The one who refused you may snore, and, Furthermore, there are just as good fish in the sea as ever were caught. So smile and get out your bait. What if it does rain when you want to go to the ball game? The home team might have lost, and, Furthermore, next week there will be a double-header for just the price of one. What if your candidate did lose? The sun will come up just the same, and, Furthermore, in a short time you will have a chance to vote for the winner's successor. Yes, Jones has an automobile and many more dollars than you; but the car might upset, stock go down, and, Furthermore, would you have Jones's wife? Perhaps you can’t take a trip to Europe; but there are many discomforts in traveling, and, Furthermore, it is so aggravating buying and sending postal cards to your friends at home. Of course you have aches and pains, for don’t you know that is a sure sign you are alive? Be thankful for that, and, Furthermore, you haven’t the bubonic plague, sleeping disease of India or the yellow fever. Well, what if there are mosquitoes? There are also screens, the male mos- quito never stings, and, Furthermore, a mosquito isn’t nearly REPLY NOT RECORDED. “Thirty cents for veal! Is it a part of the golden calf?"* as big or vicious as a wildcat or tiger. Finally, dear playmate, you get just what you look for in this life. So look for the best, and, Furthermore, live, laugh and love. —Charles P. Shofar. Hats. See the latest styles in hats— Wondrous hats! Made to suit the tastes of buyers grad- ing up from slims to f: How they keep the trimmers busy On new models day and night; While the poor mere man is dizzy, And he almost thinks, gee whiz! he Never witnessed such a sight, As each lid, lid, lid Seems to make a higher bid To fantastic heights of fancy, till he feels like going *‘bats’’ O’er the hats, hats, hats, hats, Hats, hats, hats— O’er the flurry and the worry of the hats! — George B. Staf. On the Quiet. Druggist—'‘Five gallons of chloro- form! What are you going to do with it?” Crabthorne—‘‘On the quiet, I’m going to start a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pianos."’