Judge — August 10, 1912 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Wind-up. E READ the advertisements, Consulted railroad maps, And ate our hasty lunches With guide-books in our laps. We asked the price of tickets By steamer or by rail, To half'a hundred places Beyond the reach of mail. We argued on the merits Of cottage or hotel, And quarrelled over seaside And spa and mountain dell; And since we could not settle Just where we wished to roam, The same as every summer Behold! we stayed at home. Minna Irvine. A Good Salesman. “Well, Jingle,’ said the manager, “‘did you make the sale?’’ “*Yes,’’ said the salesman, ‘‘I could- n't get the darned old machine to run over half speed, but I arranged with one of the town constables to arrest us for exceeding’ the speed limit, and old Skeezicks fell for it right awa In Boston. Talkative shopper—‘Don't you find that having to wait on so many fussy, disagreeable people has at least one compensation —that of making you forget your other troubles?”’ Cultured saleslady— “Oh, yed— it acts as a counter irritant.’’ More Touching. Ethereal creature — ‘‘So you hate our sex. Your life has probably never been touched by a woman." - Practical one — ‘Nope, ma‘am; but my pocketbook was once."’ THINK I'll build a mighty ship And sail uncharted seas, Asd all who ‘ve gone before outstrip great discoveries. Ta *HNGIMW And ‘then I'll build some pyramids And other wond’rous things Until my fame the world quite rids Of note of ancient kings. ‘When these few marvels I've achieved And had a little rest, A Hungry Theorist. Mr. High—‘Who's your friend over there, making such.a hole in the free Junch?"" Mr. Ball—‘‘Oh, he’s the chap who writes the syndicate articles in the Sun- day papers on ‘“‘how to make a million dollars in a year."” In 1932. Wife (proudly)—** What do you think of the way I handled the campaign in our ward?’’ Husband (tolerantly)—*‘ Quite credit- ably, my dear—though, of course, it can't compare with the campaigns mother used to make.’’ On the Way. Teacher (in mythology)— will you give a description of the under- world. Charles—"'l am not that far yet.” harles, A POPULAR PROPOSITION. “* Do you believe in a tax on bachelors ?'’ “* Yes, indeed! Which one shall we attack first ?"’ fea ie folks Ee to feel relieved merry jee 1a eee aie ikik, Freier to pee i put upon tl jal pet merchandise, : ‘ve got a few things yet to do, ° But wonder I shall spread When | have thought an hour ot two, ‘And weed this onion bed. a. Matin. Her Proxy. “Well, Auntie,’? asked her young master, ‘‘do you really believe in the Bible?” “Yes, sah, ebery word."’ “‘Do you believe that the whale swal- lowed Jonah?”’ “Yes, sah; I believes it cause the Bible says so. I’m gwine tuh ask Jonah "bout dat jes as soon as I gets to heb- ben."’ ‘But sappose Jonah isn’t there."’ “Den, honey, you ken ask him.” Far Different. Little Johnny—Pa, the dictionary says the words narrative and relation are synonymous. Is that right?” Father—‘‘In a sense only, my scn. Listening to a poor narrative is a far different matter from listening to a poor relation.'" Same Trouole. First farmer—‘* What's your greatest trouble, neighbor? I spose it’s the same as mine—lack 0’ farm hands."" Second farmer—*Yep. The country’s gettin’ too blamed full o’ politicians.’’ Her Family Too Perfect. Mother—*You want another doll? Gracious! Why, my dear child, you al- ready have more than a dozen of all kinds, shapes, and colors! Little Bessie—**But I'd Zo like a left-handed dolly, mammy, so I could correct her."” Probably. Teacher—'‘Tommy, what would your mother say if you should cover her floor with peanut shells, as you Tommy—"'Oh, shucks!"”