Judge, 1912-06-29 · page 15 of 25
Judge — June 29, 1912 — page 15: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century humor: **"A Hobo's Aspirations"** mocks the fantasy wealth-dreams of homeless men. The hobo imagines buying yachts, estates, and theatrical productions—yet ironically still plans to "run down cops and frighten swells," revealing that money wouldn't change his fundamental character or antagonism toward society. **"Mike Amazed"** plays on Irish-immigrant stereotypes. Mike is moved to tears watching a trolley conductor, mistaking his job (collecting fares from 27 people who each gave a nickel) as charity, because he assumes Americans are naturally generous. The joke relies on the Irish immigrant character's misunderstanding of American commerce. **"Not Inquisitive"** is a brief joke about a man so incurious he never inspected his car after it caught fire—he literally saw all its parts explode. **"Wanted"** is wordplay using geographical and abstract terms as if they were objects (a "collar for a neck of land," "boots for the feet of destiny"). **"A Strait"** jokes on a student's ignorant definition—a strait as "plain stuff, 'thout nothin in it.'" The page emphasizes class differences, immigrant characters, and pun-based humor typical of the era.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A HOBO’'S ASPIRATIONS. A hobo’s life is melaacholy, as every one must recognize ; For dimes and nickels I must jolly tightwads and others I despise. This dame called Fortune never touch'd me—she must have passed me unawares— Her daughter—Miss—though oft has clutched me, and even now my joy impairs. Some day I''ll get a wad of money—a billion I could use, I know— And all these pikers will look funny when 1 begin to let it go. I'll bay the biggest ocean steamer to go a-crabbing in by day ‘And you can bet I ‘ll be a sereamer on Wall Street and the Great White Way! Mike Amazed. ERRY was treating Mike to a trolley ride. The conductor, a good-looking young Irishman, came through, collect- ing the fares. Mike watched his prog- ress with great interest. Presently he turned to Jerry with tears in his eyes. “Jerry,’’ he said huskily, ‘I’ve a lump in me t’roat!"” “*What for?’’ demanded Jerry. “Tis the gladness of me that’s too big to swally!"? said Mike. ‘Every American has the big, generous heart! D’ye mind the poor young felly wid the blue cap? ‘Tis beggin’ his livin’ he is. I saw him hould out his hand to twinty-siven people, and ivery blessed wan of thim gave him a nickel!’” Usual Willis—‘** What ki: he run? get a little room wi in winter a big room roll. Not Inquisitive. “Ever take the trouble to inspect the parts of your car, Willigus?”’ asked Bjones. “Not since the first time,” said Willigus, “First time?”’ said Bjones. what do you mean?” “Oh, the first car I had,’’ said Wil- ligus, ‘‘I dropped a lighted cigarette in the gasoline tank, and I saw all the parts I wanted in two seconds. Never had any curiosity since.”* “Why, Gillis—‘*As_ usual. Some people who are imagined to be rolling in wealth have a pretty small A DIVIDED fil dt reas El tema I'll have a yacht for every ocean, and castles, villas, and hotels ; And motor cars I'll keep in motion, to run down cops and frighten swells I'll have my own stage for the drama, and ballets, choruses and such ; And music? Bandfuls, though I am a guy who really don't want much. I'll buy a thousand farms together, and twenty million chickens raise, And every tramp, in any weather, may eat his fill and go his ways. Just now I''m slightly pessimistic, though I may seem a rhapsodist, But if I get a billion dollars I 'll be a true philanthro; J. A, Waldron, Wanted; A smack for the mouth of the river. A collar for a neck of land. A brooch for the breast of a hill. A knapsack for the shoulder of a mountain. A passion for the heart of a flower. Boots for the feet of destiny. A coin for the palm of victory. A taste for the tongue of flame. A jewel for the ear of the people. Clothing for the legs of the furni- ture. A drink for the throat of the chim- ney. A little padding for the bones of contention. A wig for the baldness of a state- ment. A tonic for the blood of the nation. Phlebotomy for the arteries of trade. Awrinkle remover for the frown on the face of destiny. Perfume for the breath of the night wind. Kind. nd of a hotel does In summer you th no windows, and with no stove.’’ Kitty O'Dare. A Strait. Texas teacher of infant geography class—-‘‘John Mace may tell us what a strait is."” John Mace—‘‘It's jus’ stuff, ‘thout nothin in it.’’ th’ plain SKIRT. comicbooks.com