Judge — June 22, 1912 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“cc ELL, yes, I expect, livin’ next door to me as you have for the last fifteen years, you know that Hiram’s allus been a real sudden sort of man and allus lookin’ for something new. There bein’ no children in our family, I s’pose has encouraged him to expect to find me ready for any new scheme of his. There’s never any use to argue with a man; it only makes him stubborn. So I seem to agree with all Hiram’s plans and be interested in all the new-fangled contraptions he’s forever bringin’ home. I allus insist that he try ‘em out; "twouldn’t be no fun for Hiram at all for me to have a vacuum cleaner, if he didn’t get to run it. He allus was one to want to see the wheels go round. “When we was first married, Hiram’s specialty was kitchen contrivances, and he certainly was a joy to the peddlers of Penobscot County, for we tried all the egg beaters, mop wringers, churns, washin’ machines and coffee pots as they came in fashion. “*Well, I’ve noticed a man allus has to have some sort of amusement, and if ‘tain’t one thing it’s another. There’s some runs to politics and spends their time at the corner grocery, decidin’ the future of the country; others take to drink, for want of something better to do; then there’s horse racin’, fancy chickens, patent medicines and antiques; but Hiram’s dissipation has allus been wantin’ to try all the new inventions. I'm more comfortable havin’ him fussin’ round home, enjoyin’ himself, than I'd be if he had some fad that took him traipsin’ out through the country, and I'd never know where, and eatin’ all sorts of things and gettin’ his feet wet, most likely. “I can trust Hiram to destroy any germs of monotony that might be threatenin’ our household, for, liv- in’ with Hiram, there's allus some- thing to look forward to. Some- times we have carpets and draperies, and then, ag’in, we live a dustless existence, with all such useless things banished to the attic; some- times we have foldin’ beds and patent rockers, and sometimes we sleep outdoors. We try almost all By STELLA MILLER NEAL, the diet fads, but not for long, Hiram bein’ such a lover of doughnuts and pie, and them two eatables never figure prominently in any dietin’ scheme. “The neighbors! Oh, Hiram’s been educatin’ them, he says, to appreciate the mighty progress of modern civ tion. Most of ’em are long-sufferin' friends, but I don’t know’s I ever thought any of 'em objected to havin’ their own nor their cats nor dogs ’n’ horses’ pictures taken, when Hiram was havin’ the camera fever. All the moth- ers with new babies was more'n glad. Then, when Hiram was devotin’ himself exclusive to the phonograph, they wa‘n't a church fair nor sociable that Hiram and his music machine wasn’t asked to. To be sure, Mrs. Willis got everlastin’ insulted when Hiram went over to help her with her spring cleanin’ and begun on her parlor carpet and her red velvet chairs with his new vacuum cleaner. Mrs, Willis’d allus been proud of bein’ the most work brittle housekeeper in all A UTILITARIAN, The man who was ten minutes too late to board his steamer in the usual way. Ferrisburg, and when she saw the dirt that was comi.:’ out that carpet of hern, she just ordered Hiram out of the house. Hiram didn’t say nothin’, just grinned. To be sure, she got over it; got acleaner of her own now. ‘Right now, Hiram’s havin’ the time of his life cookin’, and I’m takin’ a rest, ‘cept when its dish-washin’ time; men do make an awful lot of dishes to wash, For a week Hiram’s been happy with a fireless cooker to play with, but I guess he’s havin’ most fun tryin’ this new paper-bag cookery, and I’m think- in’ of invitin’ all the men of the neigh- borhood in some night to eat up the things Hiram’s got cooked ahead. “No, I don’t never destroy any of "em, for there’s no tellin’ when Hiram might take a notion to invent something himself or to use some of 'em a new way. Yes, our attic and the lean-to are both full to splittin’ with Hiram’s worn- out diversions—his dead past, you might say. There's typewriters ‘n’ fishin’ rods, ironin’ boards and incubators, ice-cream freezers and dish wash- ers, fly killers and curtain rods; but what difference does it make? We've both been comfortable and amused, and Hiram's still foolish enough to think I’m the best lookin’ woman in the State of Maine." Glittering Generalities. An expensive hat is always styl- ish, Family trees sometimes bear bad fruit. It’s the lazy man who has the most hard luck, It is easy to economize when you are broke. A live bank account is worth more than a dead title. The greatest bore is the person who talks when you want to. ‘The world owes every man a liv- ing, but some folks are mighty poor collectors. A Bad Break. Slasher—‘‘Been in a fight?’ Masher—‘'No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette.”” J. W. Babeoch, comicbooks.com