Judge, 1912-05-11 · page 12 of 26
Judge — May 11, 1912 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from the satirical magazine **Judge** contains several humor pieces mocking early 20th-century urban and social anxieties: **"A Mad Flatter"** (top left): A man rants absurdly about apartment hunting, demanding impossible luxuries—space for a baby grand piano without crowding the kitchen, soundproofing so neighbors can't hear him snore, an honest janitor—all for an absurdly low rent. He's eventually taken to "Matteawan" (a mental institution), suggesting his demands are unrealistic fantasies. The satire targets both unrealistic renters and cramped urban apartment living. **"The Hat in the Ring"** (center): A man buys an engagement ring but can't afford a hat, so he gives the ring with a tag saying "My hat is in the ring"—a crude joke playing on the phrase meaning "to enter a competition." **"A Bath Not Wanted"** (bottom): A cartoon showing a man clinging to a boat, refusing to jump into water below. The remaining items are brief humorous anecdotes and puns about grammar, social observations, and romantic/financial misadventures typical of Judge's light satirical tone.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A Mad Flatter. 66] AM looking for a flat where there’s room for mother’s hat and a place to put the baby when he bawls. I am searching for a place that can look me in the face when I glance up at the paper on the walls. “I am looking for a home brighter than a catacomb, where the sun upon occasions will ap- pear; with a parlor close at hand that will hold my baby grand without crowding on the kitchen at the rear. “I would like a little trap where a happy married chap needn't blush because unhappily he snores, and can do it every night without thinking of the plight of the folks who live upon the upper floors. “I would like to pass my life, with my baby and my wife, ina spot where we can talk of what we do, without fear that some- body we don't know and cannot see overhears our conversation through a flue. “I would like a quiet spot, somewhat bigger than a slot and no smaller than a kennel or a stall, where a cook can cook a steak or a rabbit or a cake, without standing with both feet out in the hall. “And I'd like a janitor who is not an emperor, but a man—a chap with honor in his soul; with a truly honest ring, quite above small pilfering when it comes to cream and scuttlesful of coal. “And I want it at a rent I can pay and save a cent—say, three thousand plunks per week”’ —he rattled on. First they thought it was a game, but just then the keepers came, and they led him sadly back to Matteawan. Horace Dodd Gantt, What a Difference a Comma Makes! Woman is pretty, generally speaking. Woman is pretty generally speaking. “T say, George, isn’t it fanny how these chorus girls look like one another ?"” A BATH NOT WANTED. “* Don't throw me over now, boss—there 's water below—wait till we get above solid land.’ The Hat in the Ring. She hinted that a ring was due; A hat, I knew, I needed, too. My bank account was far from fat— 'Twas just enough to buy my hat. But still, with noble sacrifice, I bought the ring—'twas very nice! I pinned a tag upon the thing, Which read, **My hat is in the ring.’” Will Herbert. Napper—Did Smith inherit his money or make it?” Snapper—‘‘ Neither. poration lawyer. He is a cor- | | by Practical Suggestions for Authors. A double screw makes a yacht run more steadily. Automobile tires left standing in water are apt to decay. A champion chow goes well with either morning or evening dress. A billiard table should always be swept and dusted before the cover is put on of a night. A solitaire pearl with a chased gold setting in a cabochon ring is becoming either day or night. Startling and artistic effects can be secured with plain field stone in making a fireplace for your bungalow. A raglan of the latest shade can be used as a street coat and at night it can do extra duty as a cover for the bed. Homer Cry A Sign of Spring. Now doth the gay suburbanite Slave with his rake and hoe, And planteth seeds, with great delight, That never start to grow. Abbreviated Costume. The new governess and her small charge were jogging along one of the popular drives in the pony cart when they met several members of an athletic club, clad in very much abbreviated run- ning togs, out for a cross-coun- try jaunt. “Oh, see dose boys,"’ cried the little girl, ‘‘wis des somesing on and nosing else!"” . “They say she’s very fond of her husband."” “Yes; he lives entirely on her account.’’ | “They say Cal Wiggins is a-goin’ ter marry Beth Scroggins fer her land."" - Wa-al, I guess he ’s a right bright feller.”” “Yep; he knows a lot—when he sees one.” comicbooks.com