Judge — April 6, 1912 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Uncle Si “cc ‘ALL, Mirandy,’’ said Uncle Si, after having filled the after- supper corncob and comfortably poised his stockinged feet on the wood box, ‘thaow them New York folks kin eat the vittles they dew en keep frum dyin’ uv dyspepsy er starvation is more’n I kin figger aout. Thet I’m to hum agin en ain't adead corpse arter what I et er tried to eat daown thar ain't nothin’ less'n a miracle. Hiram, he sez, ‘Dad, you've seen the new libry, Central Park, the Aquarium, en all the sights; naow I'm a-goin’ ter show ye haow the New York folks enjoys theirselves nights.’ We got onto one er them ondergraound trains en got off sommers ’way daown She Quit Coffee AND MUCH GOOD CAME FROM IT. It is hard to believe that coffee will put a person in such a condition as it did a woman of Apple Creek, O. She tells her own story: “I did not believe coffee caused my trouble, and frequently said I liked it so well I would not quit drinking it, even if it took my life; but I was a miserable sufferer from heart trouble and nervous prostration for four years. “IT was scarcely able to be around at all. Had no energy and did not care for anything. Was emaciated and had a constant pain around my heart until I thought I could not endure it. I felt as though I was liable to die any time. “Frequently I had nervous chills, and the least excitement would drive sleep away and any little noise would upset me terribly. I was gradually getting worse, until finally, one day, it came over me and I asked myself what is the use of being sick all the time and buy- ing medicine so that I could indulge my- self in coffee? “So I thought I would see if I could quit drinking coffee, and got some Postum to help me it. I made it strictly according to directions and I want to tell you that change was the greatest step in my life. It was easy to quit coffee because I had the Postum, which I like better than I liked the old coffee. One by one the old troubles left, until now I am in splendid health, aerves steady, heart all right and the pain all gone. Never have any more nervous chills, don’t take any medicine, can do all my housework and have done a great deal besides, “My sister-in-law, who visited me this summer, had been an invalid for some time, much as I was. I got her to quit coffee and drink Postum. She gained five pounds in three weeks, and I never saw such a change in anyone’s health.”” “There’s a reason.” Ever read the above _ ter? A new one appears from time to time. They are genuine, true, ana full of human interest. taown. Gosh, Mirandy, it wuz arter bedtime afore we started! When we went inter the place, they wuz music playin’ en folks singin’, en they wuz lit- tle mites er tables with nothin’ onto ‘em but a cupple er dishes er so. I sez, ‘Hiram, I reckon supper’s abaout over. Anyhaow,’ sez I, ‘they ain’t room fer nothin’ much on them stingy little tables.’ Hiram, he sez, ‘Keep still, dad, en don’t worry.’ Purty soon the boss cum up. He hed one o’ them get- ups on like the feller what spoke pieces daown ter the taown hall last spring wuz wearin’—mostly white shirt buzzum en black tails. Wall, he sot us daown tera table jes’ 'sif we wuz old friends er hisn, en I'll be durned ef he didn’t fetch us the vittles hisself. “‘Fust they wuz a little fish ’baout the size uv a minner; but I couldn’t go it— it smelt so! It warn’t cooked, neither. Then they wuz oysters; en, Mirandy, “* HED A WHOPPIN’ TIME TRYIN’ TER MAKE SUM UV THE TARNATION STUPP STICK ONTO MY KNIFE LONG ENUFP TER Git IT TO MY MoUTH.’” they wuz raw—plum raw—en right on their dirty shells! Hiram, he dosed hissen up with hoss reddish en some red sass en swallered ’em hull. I kin eat the critters in a stew, but I'll be durned ef I kin gulp ’em daown thataway. Next they wuz soup. ‘Gol!’ I sez. ‘I hain’t in the habit uv eatin’ soup fer supper!’ Then Hi, he sez it warn’t sup- per at all, but dinner. Think uv eatin’ your dinner a hull hour arter bedtime! Wall, I et some soup, puttin’ a lot uv bread in it ter cool it off. Hi, he got all het up en red eatin’ hisn. He looked at me eatin’ mine, en I guess he wuz sorry he didn’t cool hisn off with bread, too. I see a lot uv other folks en the boss lookin’ at me, We kentry folks kin larn them city dudes sumpin onct in a while, Mirandy. Partakes of a Table d’Hote Dinner “Then we hed fish agin. It wuz good, en Let it en wuz goin’ ter arsk fer mo: but Hi, he sez they'd be plenty uv vit- tles 'thout eatin’ no more fish. Next they wuz a little mite uv a bird, ’baout the size uv a barn swaller. It wuz purty nigh raw en didn’t hev no meat onto it, nohaow. Then they wuz a little speck uv raw beef, redder’n fire. ‘Gol!’ I sez. ‘Hi, the boss orter go en help his wimmenfolks start up the stove. It muster gone plum aout.’ Hi, he jes’ laffed. With the raw meat the boss brung in some little, fine mackerony. It hedn’t ben cut up en I hed a whoppin’ time tryin’ ter make some uv the tarna- tion stuff stick onto my knife long enuff ter git it to my mouth. I cuddent do it en hed ter give it up’s a bad job. Then they wuz a little garden sass with red stuff onto it, but it warn’t wuth nothin’. By this time I wuz gittin’ tarnation hungry en a little mite aout er sorts. “The next thing wuz the wust mess yit. It wuz a little dab uv cheese, en, Mirandy, you cud ’a’ smelt it from yere ter Bingville Corners agin the wind. It hed black spots all through it. I began ter think that air restoorant feller wuz try- in’ ter make a fule er me kase I wuz frum the ken- try; but Hi, he sez the stuff wuz all right, only ye hed ter acquire a taste fer it. I tole him thet ef anybody wanted ter eat sech vittles they cud, but acquirin’ a smell wuz more’n I calklated ter do. The boss brung in two lit- tle mites uv cups uv coffee, blacker’n ink, en then two big cups uv water. wuz the only thing ’ceptin’ the second batch uv fish en the soup thet hed looked right durin’ the hull meal; but Hi, he up en stuck his hands in hisn, so I done the same. I wuz tarnation thirsty, but Hi hed filled my water tumbler up with red lemonade, en I didn’t want folks ter think I wuz brung up in a kentry circus, so I didn’t drink none. Neither did Hi. He sed it wuz red ink, but ’course he wuz fibbin’. “Wall, we wuz done, en I wuz hun- gry as sin en hed a pain in my innards frum lookin’ at en tastin’ uv all them highfalutin’ contraptions. I sez, ‘Hi,’ sez I, ‘let’s go somewhars en git some ham en eggs, er liver en onions.’ En we done it.’” —C. G. Garretin. comicbooks.com That |