Judge, 1912-03-16 · page 12 of 23
Judge — March 16, 1912 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page presents five satirical fables mocking Progressive Era politics and human folly: **"Threatening Weather"** ridicules popular reform movements (monkey suffrage, initiative, referendum, recall) by suggesting they're so disastrous that even angels weep—and the common man should flee rather than support them. **"A Weak Attachment"** compares a disgraced political boss to a dog's tail: both cling to power despite being cast off, yet insist they remain "stuck on." It mocks politicians who pretend relevance after losing influence. **"The New Method"** uses paradoxical logic to satirize corrupt politics: befriending thieves (politicians) actually encourages them to steal more thoroughly, since they mistake tolerance for affection. **"The King & The Genius"** suggests that both rulers and inventors are so morally compromised that neither has enemies—implying leadership requires ruthlessness or dishonesty. **"Threes"** concludes that greatness and pettiness are indistinguishable—a cynic's jab at pretension. Bierce's characteristic pessimism pervades: reform, politics, and human nature are all fundamentally absurd.
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Y Se Threatening Weather-Ka At AN out-of-door meeting a dema- gogue was making a passionate plea for monkey suffrage, when an angel looked down from he wept upon him. He lifted his eyes to the sky for a monent, then, observing the husband of his laundress occupying en and a seat on the platform, said to him inan earnest whisper, “Run home and tell your wife to take in all her washing from the drying line —I am about to advocate the initiative, the referendum, and the recall."” [3 AWeah Attachment 2 POLITICAL boss, who, having been eschewed by his party, was appointed to the highest office in the gift of its real leader, met a dog's tail, which was in an attitude of dejection between the animal's hinder legs. “My unhappy friend,’ said the de- posed boss, ‘‘what is the matter with you, and where does it hurt?” (4 Fables in Endlish Sy AMBROSE BIRRC far PICTURES 6 GEORGE L. “This ungrateful dog,’’ answered the tail, “thas thrown me off—that is where it hurts." “‘But,’’ said the other, ‘‘you are not off; you are on."” “Only stuck on,” the tail explained, cautiously attempting a deprecatory wag. ‘‘The beast’s master did that.’’ Ever thereafter, when the dethroned statesman listened for the voice of hope, he heard only that of despair, reminding him that he was only stuck on. & The New Method CITIZEN whose property had been taken by political thieves was be- wailing his untoward fate. “You meet and greet em socially, do you not?” inquired the observant neighbor. “Their crime is the greater for that,"’ was the reply. “Possibly,’’ said the observant one; “‘but it is also the easier. Henceforth, whenever you take the hand of a thief, a decent regard for the interest of your pockets requires that you keep it.’” Always afterward, when the citizen took the hand of a thief, he was so re- luctant to let go that all thieves thought he loved them, and, by way of adding the charm of ingratitude to the advan- tages of thrift, they plundered him with a special and particular assiduity. TheKing TheGenius A GENIUS who had built an airship was asked by the king why he did not send it up. “‘Alas!"’ replied the genius, sighing; “having lived a blameless life, I have no enemies to man it. Perhaps your Majesty will supply a captain and crew from among your own enemies.”” ‘No,’ said the king. ‘I, too, am destitute of enemies.’’ “I beg your Majesty to forgive me,” the genius said. ‘‘I spoke without re- flection. You also have lived a blame- less li “Well, no,’’ said the sovereign, thoughtfully scratching the royal head where it did not itch; ‘‘that is not just the way of it. The fact is, all my enemies have died a blameless death."" i Threes iy HE GREATEST man in a congres- sional district met a pig and had the condescension to say, ‘‘Good-morn- ing, my humble friend!’” “Sir,’’ said the pig austerely, ‘‘I am the greatest hog in all this region!’’ As the two passed on, an adjacent philosopher was heard to murmur, ‘‘One small pair.’” Nature, who had just completed a in, an ass, and a dog, said, ‘‘Not a comicbooks.com