Judge — March 2, 1912 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

In Deestrick Skule. time— Vor or thereabout. PLace—A ny old place inthe United States. cast—Uncle Sam, teacher. Wood ' son, Willie Bryan, Champie Clark, Follette, Teddy Roosevelt and Wi scholars. ie Taft, scene—aA schoolroom, Uncle Sam is dis- covered on the platform, beside him being a spacious chair of honor, occupied by Willie Taft, who looks reasonably happy. ‘The other scholars are sitti the teacher's desk, and are more or less uneasy. Uncle Sam. My children, I have a surprise. You must listen with very great care. The boy that can give me the best rea- sons why He’s entitled to do so, I'll let occupy Bill's cozy and comfortable chair. Now, Woodie, tell what you have done To merit an honor like this. Speak up good and loud and tell how you're endowed To deserve such unspeakable bliss. Woodie Wilson. I've written smart letters galore-— They’ve been published from Kansas to Mass. I tried for a pension (and got much at- tention); At apology I am first class. I always say just what I think, Though I do not think all that I say. Though I hurt Harvey's pride, I have mightily tried To explain my strange action away. Uncle Sam. Now, Willie, at talking you’re great. Just try and refrain from long speech. What good have you done? What fame have you won That you, sir, this chair here should reach? the benches in front of A By-play in One Act. Willie Bryan. Dear Uncle, I’ve tried many times To convince you that that is my place. I've tried like the deuce, but what is the use? Consider me out of the race. Uncle Sam. And now we will hear Champie Clark. He's a wonder at quick repartee. Let him tell to the class why the test he should pass And sit in this lofty settee. Champie Clark. I worked with my whole might and main, And indulged in harangues rather heated; But my free trade with Can. was placed under the ban. By Kipling, et al., twas defeated., Uncle Sam. Now, Bobby, speak up good and loud. Some things that you've written repeat, And manfully try to tell us just why You should drive Brother Bill from his seat. Bobby La Follette. Uncle Sam, I have scrapped like a Turk. Things looked good till I landed at Philly; But while I was there I really declare That the newspapers knocked me quite silly. Uncle Sam. Well, Teddy, it’s up now to you. We know that you'd rather keep still, But consider a bit and tell why you're fit To usurp the position of Bill. Teddy Roosevelt. Oh, Unc., I'm delighted to say Just a word, or a dozen, or more. Though I hate to call names, he’s a liar who claims I'm not fitter than ever before. Though I sat there in previous terms, What's that got to do with to-day? I have traveled since then, I have hob- nobbed with men (And it’s lonesome at Oyster Bay). Though I really don’t want the blamed chair, If you’re going to insist I won't squirm. Yes, I know what George said; but Georgie is dead, So what's there against a third term? I— Uncle Sam (interrupting). Three verses, dear Ted, are enough. You’re tiring the rest of the boys. Let’s hear Bill declare why in the big chair He should still keep his avoirdupois. Wikie Taft. The reason, my playmates, is plain: After one most contentedly sits In acchair for a spell that supports him ‘so well, It conforms to his curves, and it fits. If any of you boys should try To fill my desirable berth, You'd very soon see that in unseating me You'd be woefully lacking in girth. Uncle Sam. I confess I am puzzled to know Just how in this case I should act. Your reasons are good why each of you should Have a whack at the chair, that's a fact. So I'll call on the folks of the town; Next November I'll ask them to meet, And I'll let them by vote choose the scholar of note Best adapted to take Billy’s seat. (Curtain.) 7. G. Garretion. comicbooks.com