Judge — January 27, 1912 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Go Somewhere! By ELLIS 0. JONES. G° WEST, young man of New York! Go East! Go South! Go North! Go somewhere! Go anywhere and stay as long as possible. Forget that there is such a place as New. York. You are ill. You are troubled with megalometropoli- tanism. You need a corrective. You need to find that New York, while the center of much, is the circumference of nothing. You are a slave of the New York idea. New York should be kept in its place. There is only one way to get along in New York, and that is to keep it under your thumb, to drive it with blinders and a curb-bit. Go away somewhere, far enough so that you can stand off and get a good look at it—a bird’s-eye view. You are sure to be benefited. After you have convalesced, you may come back, if you still have the desire; but do not be ina hurry. Nowadays. Drummer—‘‘See here! I want an in- vestigation at once! Some one went through my grip, ransacked my books, and turned my clothes inside out last night. It's a plain case of robbery!"’ Hotel clerk—**Robbery nothing! The boys just wanted to find out if you had a membership card in the Anti-Tipping League.”* Some Nevers. Never hustle for a job if you are not willing to hustle after you get it. Never listen to gossip. When in the company of gossips, do all the talking yourself. Never laugh at your own jokes, matter how funny they are, nor faii laugh at the jokes of your friends, matter how dry they are. Gambling Ethics. The two gentlemen were in a New York street car—surface, elevated, or subway is no matter. Every seat was full, those at the rear of the car being occupied by well-dressed men. Pres- ently the car stopped and a woman came on board—very nice-looking woman, but not a fashion plate. ‘Il bet you what you like,”’ said one gentleman, ‘‘that not a man of them offers her his place.”’ “My dear sir,’ responded the other, “don't you know enough about the ethics of gambling to know that you have no right to bet on a certainty?” RETURNING WITH THE CHANGE. “PINE DAY?” “RATHER FRESH !” Saving the Town. Visitor-—‘‘Was the Christmas mail heavy?"’ Rural postmaster—‘‘Haven't got it all out yet. I tell you, this town owes its lives to me. About the first of December, almost all the letters that come in here were covered with funny- looking stamps. I got kind of suspi- cious, and it certainly puzzled me till a New York drummer put me wise, tell- ing me they was tuberculosis stamps. Of course I knew that stuff was darned bad, so I just ups and confiscates the mail as fast as it came in. I've got it all out in the back room fumigating now. Pretty narrow squeeze, but I nipped the epidemic right in the bud.”” Items of the Future. John Williams, a well-known mer- chant, returned to-day from a hunt in the Maine woods. He was not shot at once for a deer. William Digg, the famous millionaire, who has made such a fortune in certified soap, is now receiving bids for having his ancestors traced back. Again Those Little Things. By ROSCOE GILMORE STOTT. Little jabs from Teddy, Bobbie’s bursts of will, Although rather smarty, Never bother Bill. Little spats in Europe, Little warfares, too, Give our daily papers, through the me- dium of magic editorials, elongated dispatches, half-tones, maps, biog- raphies, suggestions, and weighty judgments, Something nice to do. Not Found. “First thing you do,’’ says the em- ployer to the new young man who has been engaged as a city salesman, ‘‘you go into the back office and take that desk the other man used, and see if you can get some order out of chaos,"’ An hour later the enthusiastic young man appears and diffidently reports, “Mr. Kimphlet, I am sorry, but I have looked all through the card index and the telephone directory, and I can’t find the address of Mr. Chaos, to solicit that order from him."" A Ready Reckoner. “My dear, how often do you leave off smoking?” “Well, fully as often as I start in again.’’ comicbooks.com