Judge — January 13, 1912 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ready To Oblige. HE LADY of uncer- tain years who was about to make a deposit in a savings bank got along very well until it came to the usual question of her age. “How old are you, ma- dam?’ asked the official who was filling out the necessary blank. “How old am I “Yes; it is necessary to state one’s age when making a deposit in a savings bank.’” “It is, huh?"’ she said, as she reached out for the bills she had expected to deposit and jammed them down into her silver mesh purse. ‘Well, if your old bank can’topen anaccount with a lady without pry- ing into her privateaffairs like that, you can leave my name off your books. Why don’t you ask me if my husband and I get along in peace or if my teeth are false or that’"—— “But, madam, it is’’- “*Mebbe you would like to know if all the hair on my head is my own, or if I have more than one hus- band living, and if I ever had the chicken-pox, or if I go to church and Sun- day school, or if’’—— “It is customary to ask'’—— “Well, if it is custom- ary to go prying into things that are none of your business, I think that— Perhaps you would like to know what size shoes I wear and what my waist measure is or if my four children were brought up on a bottle or other- wise. Mebbe your bank’s standing in the financial world would be helped if it knew that I was married in a white India silk muslin, with true lover knots of white satin ribbon on it, and I can bring in a list of the wedding presents if it will help your bank out any. Wouldn't you like to put down that I wear a number five shoe and that I don’t 3. Smile. NEW YEAR FANTASY—THE RISE AND FALL OF MERE MAN. drink tea or coffee? It might help your bank to know that if there should be a panic in the stock market. Mebbe you would like to know that’’—— “Of course, madam, we do not want to offend’’— “Oh, it doesn’t offend me in the least! I love to have a total stranger, and a man at that, ask me how old I am, and if my husband drinks, and if he beats me, and if I am a respectable person, and how much I pay for my hats, and if I do my own work or keep a girl, and if I like the theater better than the opera, and if I testify in prayer meeting, and if my circu- lation is normal, and am I subject to fits of any kind! Go right on and ask me some more ques- tions! Let me bare my soul to the bank for its inspection! If I can’t deposit ten dollars in a savings bank without dragging the family skel- eton out of the closet and giving my pedigree back to the Ark and telling how much I weigh and if I use powder on my face or darken my eyebrows, I’ll— Good-by, young man! My ‘phone number is four-one-six, ring three. If you think of anything else you would like to know about me that will prevent a run on your bank, just ring me up at any hour of the day or night. I love to oblige! Good-by, son!’’ Newspaper Humor. Items found in the ad- vertising section of the daily newspaper are often more amusing than those in the so-called humorous column, as is shown by the following: “Wanted—By a single gentleman, a room with steam heat near the “*For sale—Two horses, twenty sheep, a cow that daily gives sixteen quarts of milk, one heating stove, spring wagon, wheelbarrow, and other farm imple- ments too numerous to mention,"’ “Card of thanks—We, the under- signed, express our thanks for the great sympathy, the fine flowers, and the kind assistance which we received from friends far and near on the occasion of the death of our husband and father. We also thank Rev. William G. Brown for his funeral sermon. May the Lord preserve you all from a like misfortune."" comicbooks.com