Judge, 1911-10-14 · page 7 of 23
Judge — October 14, 1911 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This Judge magazine page contains multiple satirical pieces mocking early 1900s social attitudes: **Top photo caption**: A child reports learning "cuss words" from the rector (parish priest), satirizing religious hypocrisy. **"The Primitive Answer"**: A poem ridiculing a woman who responds to marriage proposals with indifference, only reacting with enthusiasm to chewing gum—mocking both her materialism and the era's stereotypes about women's shallow interests. **"The Human Hog"**: A dialogue joke where a man boasts about buying neighboring houses cheaply after his daughter's loud piano practice devalued them—satirizing real estate manipulation. **"Warranted Not To Fascinate"**: A father plans to make his ugly son a chauffeur to attract wealthy heiresses—dark satire on marriage-market calculations. **Lower sections**: Brief quips about political corruption ("buying ballots") and inflation nostalgia. The overall theme: satirizing American materialism, social climbing, marital transactions, and corruption during the Progressive Era.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME TO-Day 7 I PLAYED WITH OUR RECTOR AND LEARNED THREE SEW CUSS WORDS.” “YES, FIRST RATE. The Primitive Answer. By SAMUEL EDWARD HARRIS TOLD her if she’d marry me Well stocked would be our larder; She booked at me inquiringly And chewed her gum the harder. I told her that I'd buy a car To run a mile a minute; Her mouth, through habit, went ajar And more gum she stuck in it. I said I'd spend a tidy sum For biplane swift as rocket; She took another wad of gum Out of her jacket pocket. Her tongue got tangled in the gum, While trying words to master; She blurted out a glad ‘Yum, yum!” And chewed her gum the faster. The Human Hog. Crawford—‘‘ Don’t you believe that a man should be the architect of his own fortune?”’ Crabshaw—‘‘That’s all right; but he shouldn’t build on the other fellow’s lot.”” “S{JTAS YOUR daughter's musical education a profitable venture?” “You bet! I bought the houses on either side of us at half their value.”” A RAGE FOR RISK. Have you seen this stunt? Well, you will. They ‘ll do it yet. Warranted Not To Fascinate. “J HEAR your son is back from school. What do you expect to make of him?”’ “Well, between you an’ I, he’s about the ugliest-looking little sawed-off image that ever growed, so I’m cal’lating "twould be a mighty fine scheme to git him learned to run an automobile. Mil- naires with unmarried daughters ought to snap at such a chauffeur; no gal in her senses ever’d git stuck on his phiz.'’ Some Examples. LIVES of some great men remind us, If we'd make our lives sublime, We must not let people find us Buying ballots any time. Something Like. Newman—Did money really go far- ther in the old days?”” Oldman—‘‘Why, when I was a boy you could get best sellers for a dime.’” comicbooks.com